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October, 2009:

Not only bad, but awkward and wooden too.

Here’s an extract from the comments section over on my Blood Bowl blog. You know; that site we don’t really talk about here as it exposes me as a sad geeky nerd who plays pretend American football with little models of orcs and goblins.

I am a bad bad brother.

Today my sister Megan got married to a very pleasant chap called John. And despite all the odds I managed to actually turn up on time and appropriately dressed (oh, and I also managed to sneak a game of Blood Bowl in beforehand too – hurrah!).

Congratulations to John and Megan, and here’s to a future full of happiness.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to head off to the evening do and shatter my diet into tiny pieces.

But before I go I’d like you to provide you with further evidence of my bad brotherhood. When we got back home I took cursory glance at Kerry’s excellent photos of the ceremony. I thought that Jo in particular would like to see this one, as it shows in clear detail the hereditary Hughes gene that causes us to shun all physical contact with other human beings.

“Can’t you put your arm round your sister on her own wedding day!?” Kerry implored to Sam and I as she focused the shot.

No” I muttered through gritted teeth as rigor mortis set in.

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I’m sorry, but aside from my wife and my children I just don’t do hugs. My personal space boundary extends to such a distance that it is close to being classified as it’s own parish council.

As my new brother-in-law John so accurately pointed out, there isn’t a person on this earth that poses for a photo more awkwardly than me. Get used to it John, because along with your new lovely wife you’ve got a new socially retarded family member thrown in as part of the bargain!

Congratulations!

Fat Club, Week One

Does anyone know if methane is heavier than air or not? The reason I ask is that on Wednesday morning as I was just about to perform my customary trumpeting of the dawn when it suddenly occurred to me – if I hold off on farting until I weigh myself would it make me lighter?

It’s an interesting question, and one that was strangely neglected by my A level biology syllabus.

You see I need all the help I can get, because it looks like Ian from Single Parent Dad is going absolutely trounce me and the rest of the league in our weight loss contest.

Just look at this week’s results:

Name Weekly lb loss Total lb loss Position
Ian (Single Parent Dad) 7lb 7lb 1st
Dan (All That Comes With It) 4lb 4lb 2nd
Catherine (Some Vague Utopia) 2lb 2lb 3rd
Erin (The Fierce Beagle) 2lb 2lb 3rd
Kerry 1lb 1lb 4th
Barbara (JoBart) 0lb 0lb 5th

Seven pounds? In one week?! That’s bloody ridiculous. I bet he’s chopped off that tangled and unwashed mass on top of his head that he laughingly calls his “hair”. There’s a good four or five pounds worth of dead skin and lice in that i should imagine.

Seven pounds. I can’t believe it.

Still, a 4lb loss from me is pretty damn good, and congratulations to everyone else as well. It’s actually a fact that men loose weight a lot more easily than women (something to do with metabolism) so Ian and I have a bit of a head start.

Seven bloody pounds!

Anyhow, keep on at it. It’s going to be a funny week for me – I’ve got my sister’s wedding tomorrow where I’m probably going to stuff my face; but I’ve also got my 25 mile death walk on Sunday, so hopefully will lose a bit then too. We’ll see what happens. I bet I don’t lose seven pounds though.

The bastard.

Aspirations

If you ask Amy what she wants to be when she grows up she’ll give you one of two answers – either “a famous pop star” or “a horse riding teacher”.

It’s very hard not to take these responses as a indication that I’ve failed as a father. I’ve already blogged at length about my dislike of the horsey set. And as for aspirations of pop stardom – well let me assure you, if Simon Cowell or his ilk came within an inch of my daughter then I’d give them jolly good punch up the bracket.

But really Amy’s aspirations aren’t really my fault – it’s society wots to blame. Well, society and the Disney Corporation.

Hanna Montana is a bloody awful program. The acting is dire, the plotlines and humor humdrum, and the overall production values are just plain bland. What’s worse is that it implants the all pervasive obsession with fame and stardom into minds that are just too young. It contributes to that overwhelming modern pressure that drives girls towards adulthood far too early. And that is not good. It’s not good at all.

And furthermore, because it has the full force of the Disney marketing machine behind it, it can often seem like it permeates every single aspect of a child’s life. I challenge you to walk through a UK supermarket and not be able to find a Hannah Montana piece of merchandising on every single shelf. Shampoo, spaghetti shapes, tissue paper, magazines, sweets, donuts, it’s all there for the eager consumer.

I don’t approve of Hannah Montana.

So why do I let Amy watch it then? Because I’m weak, that’s why. And because I’m too liberal to start banning things in our house without a lengthy period of angst and indecision. As much as I’d love to indoctrinate my kids into liking only Peppa Pig, Laurel and Hardy, and Fraggle Rock I just can’t bring myself to enforce any form of cultural dictatorship. We’ve banned Bratz, but that was an easy one – anyone with half a clue can see though the camouflage and recognise the poisonous toxins beneath that particular product.

But Hannah Montanna, High School Musical, and all the rest are a little more complex than that. They walk their path in a very grey area, and if you start banning those you’re on a rocky road that can eventually see you smugly proclaiming that you only allow your children half an hour of television a week, and only then to watch a nature documentary hosted by that nice Mr Attenborough

So the theory is that the values that Kerry and I instil in our children should counteract any negative stereotyping she gets exposed to through popular culture. But I don’t know sometimes if that’s enough. Popular culture seems pretty big and powerful and we as parents seem pretty small. Plus we’re human, and therefore horribly inconsistent ad flawed (especially me).

As a society there has never been a time when our children have been more exposed to such powerful, pervasive, and homogenised cultural influences. I have no answers, but really hope our kids can stay kids as long as they can, and that they come out ok on the other side.

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A butterfly rash

badge - this blog

Kevin of Always Home and Uncool has asked me to post this as part of his effort to raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife’s birthday.

If you want to help spread the word feel free to republish this on your own blog. Every additional voice will increase the spread and effectiveness of Kevin’s message.

——————-

Our pediatrician admitted it early on.

The rash on our 2-year-old daughter’s cheeks, joints and legs was something he’d never seen before.

The next doctor wouldn’t admit to not knowing.

He rattled off the names of several skins conditions — none of them seemingly worth his time or bedside manner — then quickly prescribed antibiotics and showed us the door.

The third doctor admitted she didn’t know much.

The biopsy of the chunk of skin she had removed from our daughter’s knee showed signs of an “allergic reaction” even though we had ruled out every allergy source — obvious and otherwise — that we could.

The fourth doctor had barely closed the door behind her when, looking at the limp blonde cherub in my lap, she admitted she had seen this before. At least one too many times before.

She brought in a gaggle of med students. She pointed out each of the physical symptoms in our daughter:

The rash across her face and temples resembling the silhouette of a butterfly.

The purple-brown spots and smears, called heliotrope, on her eyelids.

The reddish alligator-like skin, known as Gottron papules, covering the knuckles of her hands.

The onset of crippling muscle weakness in her legs and upper body.

She then had an assistant bring in a handful of pages photocopied from an old medical textbook. She handed them to my wife, whose birthday it happened to be that day.

This was her gift — a diagnosis for her little girl.

That was seven years ago — Oct. 2, 2002 — the day our daughter was found to have juvenile dermatomyositis, one of a family of rare autoimmune diseases that can have debilitating and even fatal consequences when not treated quickly and effectively.

Our daughter’s first year with the disease consisted of surgical procedures, intravenous infusions, staph infections, pulmonary treatments and worry. Her muscles were too weak for her to walk or swallow solid food for several months. When not in the hospital, she sat on our living room couch, propped up by pillows so she wouldn’t tip over, as medicine or nourishment dripped from a bag into her body.

Our daughter, Thing 1, Megan, now age 9, remembers little of that today when she dances or sings or plays soccer. All that remain with her are scars, six to be exact, and the array of pills she takes twice a day to help keep the disease at bay.

What would have happened if it took us more than two months and four doctors before we lucked into someone who could piece all the symptoms together? I don’t know.

I do know that the fourth doctor, the one who brought in others to see our daughter’s condition so they could easily recognize it if they ever had the misfortune to be presented with it again, was a step toward making sure other parents also never have to find out.

That, too, is my purpose today.

It is also my birthday gift to my wife, My Love, Rhonda, for all you have done these past seven years to make others aware of juvenile myositis diseases and help find a cure for them once and for all.

To read more about children and families affected by juvenile myositis diseases, visit Cure JM Foundation at www.curejm.org.

To make a tax-deductible donation toward JM research, go to www.firstgiving.com/rhondaandkevinmckeever or www.curejm.com/team/donations.htm.

Losers

While the traditional methods of pistols at dawn has fallen out of favour, the gentlemanly pursuit of duelling is still alive and well in modern society. Just take the infamous Atomic Wing Sauce face-off between myself and Greg this April

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The rutting stags clash

So given that Ian, from Single Parent Dad, and I are both blogging about our attempts to lose weight at the moment it was pretty inevitable that a gauntlet would be thrown down at some point. And sure enough the challenge has been made.

The contest is now on. The first to lose a stone (14lb) will be declared the champion and all time conqueror of the Universe. Unless it’s him of course, and then I’ll say I wasn’t really trying and it was a stupid contest in the first place.

The contest officially started yesterday, and this morning I’d already lost a pound. Oh yeah, read ‘em and weep porky boy. Of course I’ll probably put two back on tomorrow, but still – it’s looking good so far.

Originally I’d set a prize of the winner being able to take over the loser’s blog for a week. But as Ian pointed out, that sounds more like a penance than a reward. Any suggestions about what the winner should get would be gratefully received. Also if anyone else want’s to join in and make this a sort of league thing then they would be more than welcome

But before you commit, you should know that I have a secret weapon in my arsenal. Because this weekend I had two epiphanies, not one. Not only did I resolve to restart my diet, but I also decided to embark on yet another great adventure.

I have been inspired by the delightful, if not a little unhinged, Erin; who recently kicked off her training for the Hadrian’s Walk by doing something that is twenty times harder than the walk itself. Erin did a triathlon, which as far as I’m aware is actually sufficient grounds for her to be sectioned under the Mental Health act over here. Personally I refuse to do anteing that involves me breaking into anything faster than a moderately paced walk; but never-the-less I’m going to push myself to my physical limits.

I’m going to do the Yorkshire Three Peak Challenge. This is a 25 mile long circular walk that visits the summits of three mountains: Whernside, Ingleborough, and Pen-y-ghent. The total ascent and descent of the walk is 5,249ft.

Obviously I’ll need to get very fit for this one. Walking 25 miles along the flat would be hard enough, never mind sticking three bloody great big hills in the middle. You’d be a fool to do this without months of preparation and training.

I’m doing it next Sunday.

You see the challenge dictates that you need to walk the circuit in under twelve hours and I suspect I’ll. need every second of that time. With winter approaching the days are becoming shorter, and leaving it later than next week would mean there wouldn’t be enough daylight to attempt it. As it is I’ll. be pushing it (with dawn to sunset only being 11 hours, plus and additional half an hour of twilight either side of that).

Of course my brother Sam recently did it in 8.5 hours, but then again he is a stupidly overfit man so it doesn’t count.

I have thrown in a few safety factors however. I’m not going alone for a start, my friend Dave is coming too (everyone should have a sidekick called Dave in my opinion). We’re also going to be a bit realistic about our prospects and if at the top of the second hill it looks like we’ll be struggling to finish before it gets dark then we’ll call it a day. But never the less it’s a pretty risky endeavour for a couple of chubby blokes with only a vague understanding of how to read a map.

So you see Ian, there is no way you are going to win this contest now. Because do you know how quickly a corpse of a lost and exhausted walker decomposes on the bleak moorlands of the Yorkshire Dales? Pretty damn quick, that’s how. Throw in a couple of crows and foxes gnawing at the rotting body and the lbs start flying off. And the rules of this little contest make no stipulation about the contestants being alive do they. Ha! In your face!

Let the contest begin.