Archive for June, 2008

Political science

Slight change of pace today as I stare into my crystal ball and make a few predictions of the future of the British political landscape. Not my usual topic I admit, but it’s always good to mix it up a bit.

Feel free to disagree with me, I always enjoy a bit of a mass debate.

  1. Labour will lose the next election. Bit of a no brainer there. However the Tories will only stay in for one term. The world economy will continue to decline and houses will get repossessed and people will lose their jobs. The general public will not be able to comprehend this is a global problem and will blame the government (just as they are doing now). They will be reminded of the mess the country was in during the Tories reign in the 80’s and the party will lose the trust of the nation.
  2. The BNP will continue to gain support as the right wing newspapers publicly decry their existence yet continue to publish scaremongering articles about immigration. It is actually quite scary how popular the BNP are now. They aren’t winning many seats, but they are coming second and third in an alarming number of them.
  3. The NHS will gradually be turned into a central healthcare purchasing organization rather than a national healthcare provider. No matter how crap you think the NHS are now, trust me this would be worse. These wont be the nice middle class BUPA hospitals, they will be hospitals manned by the cheapest staff possible and run by managers only interested in profits and contracts.
  4. Politicians will continue to spout environmental rhetoric without actually having the courage to put effective policies in place. Excuses for this will include that age old favorite “There is no point changing our behavior because China and America aren’t doing anything”. This is like saying murdering people is justified because Peter Sutcliffe and Harold Shipman did it.
  5. We will see an increasing celebritisation of politicians. Political parties will come to the realization that people voted for Boris Johnson because they liked him on Have I got news for you and start recruiting media personalities to run for office
  6. .

Any more?

New shoes.

splash

Well… they were new shoes

Hats what I’m talking about

There are now twenty seven days left until we set off on our walk. Twenty seven days. That’s about 648 hours, or 38,880 minutes. Hey, that doesn’t sound quite so close now. Maybe breaking it down even further will make me feel better.

2,332,800 seconds.

23,328,000,000,000,000,000 nanoseconds.

OK, maybe that’s taking things too far.

But no matter what spin I try and put on it, I think it’s pretty fair to say that the walk is officially “Not Long Now”.

Am I ready? Am I a lean mean walking machine? Am I bollocks. But as someone at work pointed out the other day, if I’m not ready now I’ll probably never be. I might as well resign myself to the fact that I’ll be doing some serious aching in the not too distant future.

I can hear Sandip tutting at that statement from here, but in my defense I’m not really all that bad. I can do seven or eight miles in a morning, then go do nine hours at work in the afternoon, and not feel stiff the next day. So I’m hoping that the extra effort of doing another eight miles on top of that isn’t going to take it’s toll too badly. And anyway, walking is pretty easy. It’s just a case of putting one foot in front on another right? Right?

Come on, back me up here.

I had the day off yesterday and so had the opportunity to get some serious walking done. Of course I didn’t take the opportunity; I went to the cafe for a full English breakfast and lay around the house in my underpants all day instead. Of course I didn’t want to do those things, I wanted to be out in the pouring rain tramping though muddy fields for hours. Unfortunately I have a reputation as a slovenly oaf to maintain. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it.

I did manage to haul my carcass off the couch long enough to go down to the hiking shop however. Inspired by Oli’s recent post over at the Dales Walk blog I decided I needed to get a new backpack. One with an airspace back mesh network, compatible hydration system, and side compression straps. No, I have no idea what all that stuff is either, but it sounds impressive and that’s the important thing.

The shop had a wide range of backpacks, and I think I tried on every single one of them at least twice before I made my decision. Rather upsettingly the ones that felt most comfortable to me were all designed for use by women. It must be my petite feminine figure I suppose. But comfy or not, there is no way I’m wearing the Ladyhiker 2000 out in public, especially not in front of the buggers I’m doing this hike with. It’s bad enough that my walking boots were made by the Smallpenis Corporation and my waterproof jacket by Chronicflatulence Inc.

However, after a bit of strap adjustment and buckle loosening I managed to find a man’s backpack I was happy with. So I am now the proud owner of a Karrimor Airspace 30, complete with mesh stash pockets and walking pole attachment points. Pretty damn nifty I’m sure you will agree.

I also got a new walking stick with a more comfortable handle, a waterproof liner for the backpack, and a Camelbak omega hydrotanium reservoir (read water bottle with a straw).

But the crowning glory was my purchase of a bandanna type thing to keep the sun from my scalp and the sweat from my eyes. But now I have a terrible dilemma, do I go with this new headgear or stick with my tried and tested walking hat? The problem is too great a conundrum for me to solve on my own, so I’m appealing for your help. I have taken some photos of me in full walking getup (including backpack and water bottle straw thing) in order that you can come to an informed decision. Remember, my self respect and dignity could ride on your decision.

hat

————————

In July of this year I shall be walking 78 miles in 6 days in aid of the Joseph Salmon Trust, a charity founded by my close friends in memorial to their son Joseph who died aged 3 in April of 2005. Please look here for further details and consider sponsoring me. Thank you.

Raaagh! and Arrrgh!

raaaagh

arrrgh

We visited the Blue Planet Aquarium in Chester yesterday. We had a good time.

Dum de dum de dum de dum

I listen to a lot of BBC Radio 4.  Not quite as much as I used to do before I discovered the wonderful world of podcasting (The Word and Collings and Herrin are particularly worth checking out), but still have it on a fair bit. 
 
For the chronically American amongst you, Radio 4 is a bit like NPR but a lot better.  It is arguably the jewel in the crown of the BBC. Just check out the webpage if you don’t believe me. Every single program they have broadcast in the last seven days is up there waiting for you to listen to. And it’s all free at the point of delivery. I particularly recommend the comedy and the factual sections.
 
I have inherited my love of Radio 4 from my parents.  It was our constant companion on every single car journey we made. And I honestly believe that it shaped both my sense of humour and my inquiring mind just as much if not more than TV and the educational system ever did.
 
It is, in short, worth the licence fee all on its own (as is BBC Radio 7 incidentally).
 
Or at least it would be, if it wasn’t for the bloody Archers
 
Foreigners might as well stop reading now as you are probably not going to understand a word of this, but it needs to be said.  I hate the Archers.  I hate the theme tune, I hate the tedious plot lines, and I hate the fact that all the women appear to be called Caroline and all the men called Brian.  But most of all I hate the smug middle classness of it all.
 
I hope I don’t offend anyone here, but if I hear one more person say “Oh I don’t like soap operas, I only listen to the Archers” I’m going to punch them on the nose.  Just as the Apprentice is Big Brother for snobs, the Archers is Emerdale for people who believe they are above the hoi palloi .
 
And it’s on every day. Twice. With an omnibus on Sundays.

There are other programs on the station that make me switch off: Any Answers, the majority of the afternoon plays, and the Today Program (is it me or are they more interested in creating the news than reporting it?). But the Archers has the power to bore me so badly that I am in danger of falling asleep at the wheel. They keep their plot lines going on for literally decades. The first episode broadcast was on the 29th of May 1950 and I think they are still blathering on about the same problem with the village gala that they were then. Everyday tale of country folk my arse.

But don’t just take my word for it, I’ve downloaded the latest episode to torture you with. Have a listen if you want, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 
icon for podpress  Standard Podcast [13:04m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (208)

Indy and Short Round prepare for another adventure

IMG_2314

Game over man, game over

There are many things in this world that I am no good at. Remembering birthdays, resisting that second doughnut, tolerating old people in the supermarket, the list goes on and on.

But one thing I fail at in a truly magnificent fashion is computer games. It doesn’t matter what the genre: platform, beat-em-up, sports, first person shooter; I’m crap at the lot of them. If given a choice do tend to gravitate towards strategy games, but only because it takes me longer to lose.

Computer games are designed to provide regular small victories. Every time you solve a puzzle, beat a boss, or get a weapon upgrade your brain rewards you with a pleasant injection of endorphins. This spurs you on to the next challenge, and by such little episodes of task and reward you eventually complete the game.

Or that’s the theory anyway. The reality for me is that it takes me so long to achieve any sort of victory at all that instead of feeling euphoric when I finally beat Zurg the Mighty I just feel a sense of relief and a slight easing of my tension headache. Sometimes I can’t even get past the part where you enter your name without consulting online cheat guides.

It’s my belief that I’m just not designed for computer games. If my efforts aren’t sabotaged by my poor hand/eye co-ordination or my slow reactions then it’s by my short attention span and inability to think tactically. Even the game controllers somehow seem not to fit my big meaty paws properly. The fact that my kids regularly smear the controllers with jam and other noxious substances probably doesn’t help either.

But the sad thing is that despite my ineptitude I really like computer games.

My generation was the first to have home computers as a fixture in our childhood homes. Before us kids had to be content playing pong and space invaders in dark and dingy arcades, no wonder Jeff and Greg turned out so weird. I’ve even heard tell of a time in the dim and distant past when children didn’t even have access to computer games at all. Freaky.

With the advent of the ZX Spectrum and the Commodore 64 in the mid eighties children could suddenly play games in the comfort of their own homes ( but admittedly only after a seven or eight hour wait for the buggers to load). And play them we did. Jet Set Willy, Horace Goes Skiing, Chuckie Egg; classics each and every one of them. Even back then I was crap, but that didn’t stop me talking enthusiastically about them in with the other snotty nosed kids in the playground.

Now, twenty odd years later, all us ZX Spectrum users are now in our thirties with jobs and kids and mortgages. But along with those responsibilities we also have Playstations, Xboxs and PCs. We may have swapped the playground for the pub, but we’re still talking about the latest Grand Theft Auto release or about playing with our Wii (*snigger*). In my group of friends at least, computer games have joined sport and children’s TV of the 80’s as a universal solvent - a neutral topic of conversation on which everyone is able to become involved.

I’m not saying that’s all we talk about, far from it. In fact, like most males, ninety nine percent of our conversational output is dedicated to taking the piss out of one another. But when the insults and humiliation reach a natural lull all it takes is someone to say “I’ve been thinking about getting a third generation console, but can’t decide between a Xbox or a PS3″ and things start to pick up again. It may sound geeky, but trust me, it certainly beats talking about the Huddersfield Chives chances of beating the West Yorkshire Mustard Tubes in the big game next Saturday.

So while I’m rubbish at them, computer games still hold a fascination for me. And every now and then I take the plunge and re-immerse myself. With our recent purchase of a Wii (*snigger*) I’ve been dipping my toes in the water again, and so far I’ve found the experience pleasurable. At the moment I’m making my way through Lego Indiana Jones and Metroid Prime 3. And while my progress is slow (Greg recently told me he had got Metroid for fathers day and he’s got further through it in one week than I have in the three months) I am at least enjoying myself.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some aliens to kill.

Stolen from the internet

Just when you get comfortable with churning out mediocre photos you see something that takes your breath away. Kerry got these photos on one of those Fwd: emails. I wish I knew who took them.

ATT00007(7)

ATT00002(8)

In Memoriam

null

Guest Post Tuesday: Bon Bon

Bon Bon was originally meant have the guest post slot on the sixth of May, however her post didn’t plop into my inbox until a week or so ago. But that’s OK, it’s only natural that she starts to forget to do a few things at her age.

For anyone who hasn’t checked out Bon Bon’s blog, I heartily recommend you do so now. She is a fantastic photographer, witty raconter, and more importantly she regularly publishes pictures of scantily clad women. In fact there’s one there now - go quick!

But when you get back from ogling girls in corsets come back here and have a go at the game Bon Bon has created. I’m rather anxious about the results.

—————————————————

Mad Libs

Not being much of a writer, I’ve chosen the direction of a Mad Lib as my guest entry. This way, more intelligent people than myself will be doing all the real work. If you’re unfamiliar with Mad Libs, all you need to do is write down examples from the list of grammatical words, then place them in the story that follows in the same order. Keep in mind, the more ridiculous the word, the more nonsensical the storyline. When you see NOUN vs. NOUNS, it simply means to use a plural form. Ladder vs. ladders. Got it? Here we go…

NOUNS
EVENTS
VERB
ANIMAL
NOUN
VERB

ADJECTIVE
OCCUPATION
VERB
NOUNS
NOUNS
ADJECTIVE

VERB
ANIMAL
ADVERB
VERBS
FOOD(S)
ADJECTIVE

———————
All I really know about Dan is his love of fast NOUNS, and his fear of EVENTS, and his inability to VERB before breakfast. As a child, a(n) ANIMAL trampled his NOUN, which could explain why he refuses to VERB in public.

By day, Dan is a ADJECTIVE-mannered OCCUPATION, who enjoys VERB-ing pantsless, leading coworkers to keep their NOUNS locked up in his presence. He’ll find anyone willing to talk about NOUNS, and how to keep them ADJECTIVE. People seem to like him just the same.

His home life is rather quiet. Evenings are spent VERB-ing (with) the family. The kids have requested a pet ANIMAL to which Dan has ADVERB objected to. The one vice that bothers Kerry is he often VERBS while eating FOOD(S) in bed. But no man is ADJECTIVE, so she loves him just the same.

Now if we could just get him to keep his pants on.