All that comes with it

I’ve mentioned in passing that one of my aims while on holiday is to be bitten by as many exotic animals as possible. Through the years I’ve managed to be savaged by a surprising number of birds, fish, reptiles and mammals; usually in zoos. I must add that these aren’t unprovoked attacks. I actively seek the confrontations, doing my damnedest to coax, coerce, and cajole all creatures great and small to sink their sharp pointy teeth into my flesh.

I don’t really know why I do it. I think it must have something to do with gaining a direct connection with the animal which can’t be gained merely through staring at it through the cage bars. It’s all about the interaction you see.

So I got to thinking, maybe I’m not the only person to have this particular quirk. Maybe there are thousands like me out there, thinking they are the only ones. I want to reach out to these people, to tell them they are not alone. We will come together and provide a unified voice, we will stand up to those who would poor scorn on our hobby and ensure that it has a great and glorious future. Hell, if sliding down mountains with bits of wood strapped to your feet is classed as extreme sport then why can’t being bitten by a marmoset?

Of course getting started in any new pastime can be a little intimidating. There’s all the equipment, the specialist terminology, the various governing bodies. That’s why I am publishing this, the the first in a series of a cut out and keep guides. I hope you will find it of use.

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Goats

Ease of access: Green
Willingness to bite: Yellow
Potential damage: Yellow

The goat is not a particularly aggressive animal but can be lured into participation with the promise of food. Key to the goat’s value to the hobbyist is its presence in establishments which positively encourage animal / visitor interaction, such as community farms and petting zoos. If only the closed minded zoo community would yield to public pressure and keep the more exotic animals such as crocodiles and lions in such environments then the world would be a better place.

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Emus

Ease of access: Yellow
Willingness to bite: Green
Potential damage: Green

An ideal combination of fearlessness and belligerence the emu, along with its cousin the ostrich is an enthusiast’s dream. Whilst its bite is sometimes startling in its jerky rapidity, it seldom causes any significant pain. Often found in the “boring antelopes, deer, and gnu” section of zoos, the emu enclosure is classically CHDFed ( chest hight double fenced) which may cause access problems to those with stumpy arms.

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Parrots

Ease of access: Green
Willingness to bite: Green
Potential damage: Red

On the face of it an ideal animal for the aficionado, and indeed a popular choice for beginners as being bitten takes little skill other than the ability to poke a finger through the bars. However a cautionary note must be struck. A parrot bite can hurt, particularly those of the larger members of the genus such as macaws and cockatoos. Their beaks are evolved to crack hard shelled nuts and rip off tree bark, and a determined biter would think of nothing of puncturing a fingernail. Many a veteran of the sport can boast at least one scar from these pitiless psittacines.

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Elephants

Ease of access: Red
Willingness to bite: Yellow
Potential damage: Red

One of the holy grails of the hobby. I myself can boast only of a near miss. An unusually liberal housing policy at Bristol Zoo allowed myself and a particularly gregarious elephant reach out to each other over the dividing ditch. We had brief contact; my hand and its trunk bridging the gap between the species for one precious moment. It was exhilarating, poignant, and also very snotty.

Jeff recently posted an arial view of his seven bedroomed mansion. Not to be outdone I am posting a satellite photo of our own decrepit hovel. Now all you murderous psychopaths out there are one step closer to pinpointing where we live.

Speaking of stalkers, in just over two weeks Greg and Deb are taking a couple of days out of their tour of Ireland in order to fly over to England to see us. There are a number of things we have to do before they arrive:

• Tidy. Tidy like we’ve never tidied before. Tidy like the wind.
• Figure out how the vacuum cleaner works. And what’s “dusting” anyhow?
• Work out why the bathroom light keeps flickering on and off randomly, particularly when you are in mid flow.
• Dye the carpet a dark brown color in order to match the stain in it’s center.
• Retrieve all the gifts they’ve given us from out of the attic.
• “What these? Oh we get fresh flowers delivered to out home every weekend”
• Persuade Amy that wearing clothes in the house is a Good Thing.
• Petition Kirklees council to reopen the Postcard Museum. Ok, so it was the most boring place on earth, but it was also the only tourist attraction we had goddamn it.
• Make reservations for a table for four at Macdonalds in order to make our American guests feel at home.
• Clean out the car. Or just get a new car, that might be quicker.
• Get in a fresh supply of marmite.

Strangely enough, it all seems worth it to see our friends again.

There is a golden period of opportunity for visiting zoos, theme parks, and any other large attraction. It needs to be timed perfectly: after the children have gone back to school after summer, but before their teachers have had opportunity to organise any school trips. This is the most wonderful time of the year. The weather is still reasonable, the attractions are all still open, and there is not a queue or a crowd to be found anywhere. Bliss.

Kerry and I made the most of this Indian summer by taking the kids to Flamingo Land, our current theme park of choice. The actual journey there started a little negatively. There were a variety of reasons for this, most of which can be boiled down to the fact that I am a grumpy curmudgeon. However once we actually arrived my mood improved markedly, and the day transformed into one of those perfect emotionally nourishing days that wouldn’t look out of place in a Frank Capra film.

There was one ride in particular that Amy had been talking about wanting to go on since our last visit, a sort of dodgems but without the dodging. The only problem was it had an age restriction of 4 and up. It’s only a couple of months until Amy’s next birthday and the ride looked pretty safe, so Kerry and I had no particular concerns when Amy told us she wanted to “play pretending I’m four”.

All went well until it got to her turn to get in once of the cars. The attendant asked her how old she was and she collapsed to the floor in floods of tears, seeing her chance to play on the cars disappear before her eyes. She just couldn’t bring herself to lie.

I picked her up and carried her away from the ride, Kerry comforting her as we walked by telling her how proud we were of her.

“Maybe I could come back in a little while when I am four.” She said.

“You can sweetheart.” I told her, my already swollen heart bursting with love for my beautiful daughter.