All that comes with it

Amy’s been having some pretty unsettled nights recently. Originally we thought it was because of the heat, but it’s been pretty miserable weather round here lately and she’s still waking up a couple of times a night. She’s also not been too well, suffering from a bit of croup, so that’s probably got something to do with it. Plus her bedtime routine was disrupted slightly by visiting Kerry’s parents over the weekend.

Nine out of ten times we go into her she asks for some milk or to be covered up, but just recently she’s started to become more creative in her requests. The other night Kerry stumbled bleary eyed into her bedroom at 3am in order to sooth her tortured crying.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” she asked tenderly.
“I need a hot-dog” Amy responded through huge wracking sobs.

It’s possible that she’s gambling that her sleep deprived parents resolve will crumble when faced with repeatedly dragging themselves out of bed. Or perhaps she’s using that old negotiating trick of asking for the impossible in order that a more realistic alternative will appear more palatable. Whatever the reason, it’s keeping us amused. Last night she assured me she had woken up because she needed ice cream.

I’m tempted to wake up crying tonight and tell Kerry that I need a new laptop.

As you probably know, last month we received a food parcel from Greg and Deb giving us a taster of the kinds of food that could be found in their pantry. At the risk of alienating both the Lee family and the entire of the USA this is what we thought:

Twizlers
By far Amy’s favourite, although her short attention span when eating means that we still occasionally find partially eaten neglected stumps of Twizle squirreled away around the house.
Between us Amy and I managed to finish of a 1lb bag within around 3 days. The trick is to miss meals so you don’t use up valuable stomach space.
5 Gregs

Peanut butter and Jelly
I’ve always been a Sun-pat peanut butter man. With most foodstuffs I’m more than happy to accept supermarket own brand with no quibbles, but I insist on quality from my peanut butter.The packaging for Skippy peanut butter freaked me out a bit – jars should be glass goddamn it. But there is no denying that it’s good stuff. It was a lot less frothy and creamy than Sunpat, but in a good way.
The jelly (or jam as the civilised world calls it) won points even before I tasted it for coming in a handy container that doubles as a glass after the jelly is gone. However it lost points for being the first jar of jam that I’ve had to look for instructions on how to open, the lid pops off rather than screws I discovered after a puzzling five minutes.
Of course no jelly truly stands up to my own home made bilberry jam (the secret of the grittiness and strange aftertaste is not to bother taking the stalks off the berries).
4 Gregs

Taco kit
Tacos are a standard in out house, indeed they are the traditional meal for the annual Eurovisionfest. To be honest we haven’t tried these yet, but they are sitting in the cupboard waiting.
4 Gregs

Reese’s Peanut butter cups
Good grief these were sweet! As far as I can tell they consist solely of refined sugar smeared with peanut butter. They were so sweet my teeth retreated behind my tongue. Gregg said that a lot of ex-pat Americans complain that they can’t find these in England. The reason for this is probably our strict rules about chemical and biological weapons on domestic soil.
1 Greg

Tabasco and Habenero sauce
I’ve enjoyed a few zippy servings of scrambled eggs as a result of these two marvellous bottles.
5 Gregs

New Orleans style Red Beans and Rice
It is my sincere belief that Greg sent me this in a malicious and preconceived attempt to sabotage my status as Uber-husbandTM. After all, it is hard to put in a perfect performance as a husband and father when all you are able to do is sit on the toilet as gallons of fluid rushes out of your bowels. A little too graphic a description perhaps, but accurate.
They did taste nice, but perhaps I shouldn’t have eaten the whole box by myself in one sitting.
2 Gregs

S’mores Pop-Tarts
I am a broken man. I have been introduced to the wondrous taste of S’mores Pop Tarts by a prophet from beyond the seas, only to have it whipped away from me by the barbaric English supermarkets that refuse to stock such delights. Damn them, damn their eyes.
I was going to make a tremendously witty remark such as “They were really good, so good that I want s’more”, but then discovered this is what the word means anyway. Ho hum.
5 Gregs

Orange tic-tacs
Q. What are a generals favourite sweets?
A. Tac-tics
We have these over here, but Amy enjoyed them both as a treat and a musical instrument to shake.
3 Gregs

Assorted candy bars
I can’t really comment on these as the majority of them mysteriously disappeared while I was at work. I have my suspicions of the culprit, but sadly no evidence.
3 Gregs

Kraft Macaroni and Cheese
I was disproportionably excited at the prospect of eating a real life Kraft dinner, and the experience was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be – a slightly bland but pleasant meal based around the premise that powdered dairy products are a Good Thing.
Kerry wasn’t so keen but Amy and I wolfed it down.
4 Gregs

Again I want to thank Greg and Deb for their generosity. Trying all this stuff was both fun and interesting. There were tears, but there was also laughter. I think I speak for the entire Hughes household when I say that the whole affair was a learning experience for us, and we are better and more rounded human beings as a result. Damn it, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…

A parcel was put in the post for the Lee family this morning. I’m sure I won’t miss the kidney I had to sell to pay for the postage.

One of the presents that Amy received for her second birthday was a Mary Poppins DVD. In the subsequent ten months since that fateful day I have watched that bloody film so many times that I recite the script in my sleep. In a desperate bid to gain some respite from Dick Van Dyke’s hybrid Cockney/Swahili/Yugoslavian accent I bought a her a copy of The Wizard of Oz the other day. I was hoping that we’re off to see the wizard would replace it’s a jolly holiday with Mary on the internal tape loop in my brain, but unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.

It appears Amy has inherited her Uncle Neil’s inherent fear of dwarfs. She was relatively entranced with the whirlwind scene (I skipped the boring black and white bits at the beginning), but as soon as the refrain of ding dong the witch is dead heralded the appearance of the Munchkins she shrieked in terror and buried her head in my chest. To be fair to her they are a little alarming, especially those sinister members of the lollypop league.

Someone once told me that off set the munchkins were a pretty debauched group. I’ve had my fingers burned recently by recounting something that I was assured to be fact but has turned out to be utter balderdash, so this time I’ve checked my facts and it appears to be a bit of an urban legend. The Daily Mail seem to believe it in their article The secret salacious world of the Munchkins, but the Daily Mail isn’t exactly a trusted source of information in our household - in fact I’m suprised it didn’t claim they were all asylum seekers as well.