Bzzzz

Bzzzz

Aug 20th, 2008

by Dan.

Big creatures like biting me. In fact I’ve probably been bitten by a wider variety of animals than most people I know. I’ve got the standard cat, dog and hamster bites under my belt of course, but then I’ve gone that extra mile and been gnawed on by some more unusual creatures. Pigs, goats, cows, horses, chickens and turkeys have all taken lumps out of me. And outside of the farmyard: ostriches, emus, lizards, trout, parrots, llamas, and penguins have tried to discover if human flesh really does taste like chicken.

I even created my own social movement revolving around encouraging animals to try and eat you, but sadly it never took off.

But despite this; small creatures (wasps, midges, gnats, fleas, mosquitoes and the like) have always left me alone. And for that I have always been grateful.

The funniest moment in my whole life was when a wasp got trapped down my history teachers shirt when I was about fourteen. The sight of him flailing around and slapping himself like a crazed Bavarian dancer will stay fixed in my memory until the day I die. And part of the humor in the situation was a confident certainty that nothing like that would ever happen to me. Because even when all around me are acting as blood oozing buffet carts, I have always been left alone.

Until recently that is.

I first noticed that I had been placed firmly back on the menu during the Dales Walk. We spent a good deal of time walking alongside riverbanks so I naturally assumed that the odd bite here and there was to be expected. After a while however I noticed that no matter how much insect repellent I was putting on I was still being bitten, And what’s more, I was being bitten more than everyone else.

And it didn’t stop with the walk either. All of a sudden I appear to be a magnet for nasty bitey things. I was watching cricket with Evan the other day, but after a while I had to go and sit in the car due to being dive bombed by swarms of midges. I felt like Mully and Scully in that episode where they were trapped in the woods b fireflies (shut up, it was a bloody good episode).

This never used to happen to me. Can an insect’s taste change? Amy I now the new sun-dried tomato of the mosquito world? – unknown and unpalitable ten years ago but all the rage now?

No. It can’t be them, it must be me. Somehow I must have become more appetizing. But how? I have been eating a little more garlic than usual, so it could be that. Or maybe it’s because I’ve started showering weekly rather than monthly.

But I’m kidding myself. I know the reason I am being targeted and it has nothing to do with how stinky or un-stinky I have become. The truth is I never used to get bitten by insects until this summer; and this summer is when I lost my beloved iPod touch. The insects can smell it on me – the shame, the despair, the sorrow, the stench of failure. They know my victim status and they are capitalizing on it like bullies in a playground.

Damn them. Damn them to hell.

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Posted in: General.

Who am I?

My name's Dan and I live near Huddersfield in the North of England. I’m a 34 years old part time stay at home dad. For three days a week I'm also a community mental health nurse but you won’t find me blogging about that here. I’m married to Kerry and we have two children - Amy (6) and Evan (3). I keep chickens, grow veg, and take the occasional long walk. If you want to know how other's describe me then take a look here. If you haven't been here before feel free to say hello in the comments.

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17 Comments on “Bzzzz”

#1 Phil
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 12:33 am

Weird, so is that one of the iTouch apps? Mosquito-repelling sound waves?

I’ve been bit a couple of dozen times this summer, whereas in years past I’d suffer maybe one or two bites.

I think it must be that Marmite you sent me.

Phils last blog post..To Homeschool Or Not To Homeschool

#2 Kevin Spencer
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 1:25 am

When I was younger a wasp flew inside my t-shirt as I was riding my bike. The little bugger stung me on my back. It was rather amusing trying not to fall off said bike I can assure you.

#3 gail
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 3:22 am

1. Thank you for being a smart arse about the hurricane in Florida, I really appreciated the cold wet and windy weather that reminded me so much of home.

2. It’s your age. I never got bitten until the last couple of years and now when I do its like major pustule and dinner plate size. See blog for pictures.

3. I now HAVE an i touch and I lerve, lerve it. It’s all shiney and smooth and has lots of thingy’s on it and I still get bitten so you can’t blame it on that. Haven’t you thought of an excuse to get a new one yet?

Gail

gails last blog post..Day 9 – Just Like Home!

#4 gail
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 3:24 am

Now why did that post twice? It must be your i touch jinx! I just edited the second one to this as couldn’t delete it.

#5 Whit
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 6:12 am

Mosquitoes love me. LOVE ME.

Whits last blog post..The Boys of Summer are Gone

#6 Clair
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 7:33 am

I’ve found that I’m more likely to get bitten if I got to the trouble of putting on insect repellent. Odd.

Clairs last blog post..Wind dried

#7 Morticia
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm

This is why we should all have bats roosting in ivy growing up the walls – its not just an aesthetic thing – they eat all the little b@ggers who try and eat us.

Must dash as the creatures of the night are calling me – actually its a big pile of post holiday washing but I have an image to maintain don’t you know *grin*

#8 Xbox4NappyRash
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 4:10 pm

I was once bitten by a horse while I had a pee on the way home from the pub one night.

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The black humerus

#9 James
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Spider bites are the worst! Big and ugly just like those creepy bastards themselves. Let’s hope they can’t smell that ipod shame.

Jamess last blog post..You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up . . .

#10 Dan
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Phil – actually my walkie talkies are supposed to have a mosquito repelling noise thing.

Kevin – It’s a shame no one filmed it. That sort of stuff is youtube gold.

Gail – My smart arse comments about the weather in florida are completely offset by your smart arse comments about having an iPod touch.

Whit – At least someone does

Clair – Maybe that was what it was. Although I get bitten when I don’t put on insect repellent too.

Morticia – I once found a bat on my bedroom floor. Alive as well. It was very exciting.

Xbox – Bitten by a horse when you were taking a pee? Have you mentioned this to the fertility doctors?

James – Thank god we don’t have biting spiders over here. At least I don’t thin we do.

#11 Xbox4NappyRash
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 8:42 pm

I was petting the horse (do you pet horses?) and peeing at the same time.
He bit my fingers.

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The black humerus

#12 Lise M.
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:24 am

Oh, no,Dan, It’s not just you – it is a general conspiracy of the animal (and insect) kingdom against humanity. Tim Bedore has it figured out here:
http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm#TheOtherAnimalsAreAginUs

#13 Ed (zoesdad)
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:42 am

They don’t like me so much–must be the tabasco.

Ed (zoesdad)s last blog post..Goodbye Dear Friend

#14 Arjan
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 9:06 am

for a moment there..I read ‘midgeTs’ hehe, who knows..they might try and get a bit of mr Dan too.

Arjans last blog post..Lowlands Festival

#15 Rol
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:21 pm

If you keep on whinging about it, eventually I’ll HAVE to give you that iPod back, won’t I?

Rols last blog post..My Life In Music (Part 3)

#16 Jo Beaufoix
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 6:40 pm

Maybe you’ve matured like a fine wine and the mosquitoes that like you are the posher ones who consider themselves experts. They like me too, little evil gits.

Jo Beaufoixs last blog post..Don’t touch your what?

#17 Dan
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 7:22 pm

Xbox – uh huh, I believe you. That sort of stuff is illegal in the UK you know.

Lise – I knew it!

Ed – It’s not an aftershave you know, despite what those kids in the playground told you.

Arjan – They can try, but I’d give them short shift.

Rol – Yeah, but you’d have filled it with miserable Mozza music and so I wouldn’t want it.

Jo – It’s a theory, but I suspect that I’m aginf like old socks rather than old wine.

Dans last blog post..“Excellent”

17 Comments on “Bzzzz”

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