Big creatures like biting me. In fact I’ve probably been bitten by a wider variety of animals than most people I know. I’ve got the standard cat, dog and hamster bites under my belt of course, but then I’ve gone that extra mile and been gnawed on by some more unusual creatures. Pigs, goats, cows, horses, chickens and turkeys have all taken lumps out of me. And outside of the farmyard: ostriches, emus, lizards, trout, parrots, llamas, and penguins have tried to discover if human flesh really does taste like chicken.
I even created my own social movement revolving around encouraging animals to try and eat you, but sadly it never took off.
But despite this; small creatures (wasps, midges, gnats, fleas, mosquitoes and the like) have always left me alone. And for that I have always been grateful.
The funniest moment in my whole life was when a wasp got trapped down my history teachers shirt when I was about fourteen. The sight of him flailing around and slapping himself like a crazed Bavarian dancer will stay fixed in my memory until the day I die. And part of the humor in the situation was a confident certainty that nothing like that would ever happen to me. Because even when all around me are acting as blood oozing buffet carts, I have always been left alone.
Until recently that is.
I first noticed that I had been placed firmly back on the menu during the Dales Walk. We spent a good deal of time walking alongside riverbanks so I naturally assumed that the odd bite here and there was to be expected. After a while however I noticed that no matter how much insect repellent I was putting on I was still being bitten, And what’s more, I was being bitten more than everyone else.
And it didn’t stop with the walk either. All of a sudden I appear to be a magnet for nasty bitey things. I was watching cricket with Evan the other day, but after a while I had to go and sit in the car due to being dive bombed by swarms of midges. I felt like Mully and Scully in that episode where they were trapped in the woods b fireflies (shut up, it was a bloody good episode).
This never used to happen to me. Can an insect’s taste change? Amy I now the new sun-dried tomato of the mosquito world? – unknown and unpalitable ten years ago but all the rage now?
No. It can’t be them, it must be me. Somehow I must have become more appetizing. But how? I have been eating a little more garlic than usual, so it could be that. Or maybe it’s because I’ve started showering weekly rather than monthly.
But I’m kidding myself. I know the reason I am being targeted and it has nothing to do with how stinky or un-stinky I have become. The truth is I never used to get bitten by insects until this summer; and this summer is when I lost my beloved iPod touch. The insects can smell it on me – the shame, the despair, the sorrow, the stench of failure. They know my victim status and they are capitalizing on it like bullies in a playground.
Damn them. Damn them to hell.
Related posts:






















on Aug 20th, 2008 at 12:33 am
I’ve been bit a couple of dozen times this summer, whereas in years past I’d suffer maybe one or two bites.
I think it must be that Marmite you sent me.
Phils last blog post..To Homeschool Or Not To Homeschool
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 1:25 am
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 3:22 am
2. It’s your age. I never got bitten until the last couple of years and now when I do its like major pustule and dinner plate size. See blog for pictures.
3. I now HAVE an i touch and I lerve, lerve it. It’s all shiney and smooth and has lots of thingy’s on it and I still get bitten so you can’t blame it on that. Haven’t you thought of an excuse to get a new one yet?
Gail
gails last blog post..Day 9 – Just Like Home!
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 6:12 am
Whits last blog post..The Boys of Summer are Gone
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 7:33 am
Clairs last blog post..Wind dried
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Must dash as the creatures of the night are calling me – actually its a big pile of post holiday washing but I have an image to maintain don’t you know *grin*
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The black humerus
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Jamess last blog post..You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up . . .
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Kevin – It’s a shame no one filmed it. That sort of stuff is youtube gold.
Gail – My smart arse comments about the weather in florida are completely offset by your smart arse comments about having an iPod touch.
Whit – At least someone does
Clair – Maybe that was what it was. Although I get bitten when I don’t put on insect repellent too.
Morticia – I once found a bat on my bedroom floor. Alive as well. It was very exciting.
Xbox – Bitten by a horse when you were taking a pee? Have you mentioned this to the fertility doctors?
James – Thank god we don’t have biting spiders over here. At least I don’t thin we do.
Reply
on Aug 20th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
He bit my fingers.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The black humerus
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:24 am
http://www.vaguebuttrue.com/genius.htm#TheOtherAnimalsAreAginUs
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:42 am
Ed (zoesdad)s last blog post..Goodbye Dear Friend
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 9:06 am
Arjans last blog post..Lowlands Festival
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Rols last blog post..My Life In Music (Part 3)
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Jo Beaufoixs last blog post..Don’t touch your what?
Reply
on Aug 21st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Lise – I knew it!
Ed – It’s not an aftershave you know, despite what those kids in the playground told you.
Arjan – They can try, but I’d give them short shift.
Rol – Yeah, but you’d have filled it with miserable Mozza music and so I wouldn’t want it.
Jo – It’s a theory, but I suspect that I’m aginf like old socks rather than old wine.
Dans last blog post..“Excellent”
Reply