There are many things in this world that I am no good at. Remembering birthdays, resisting that second doughnut, tolerating old people in the supermarket, the list goes on and on.
But one thing I fail at in a truly magnificent fashion is computer games. It doesn’t matter what the genre: platform, beat-em-up, sports, first person shooter; I’m crap at the lot of them. If given a choice do tend to gravitate towards strategy games, but only because it takes me longer to lose.
Computer games are designed to provide regular small victories. Every time you solve a puzzle, beat a boss, or get a weapon upgrade your brain rewards you with a pleasant injection of endorphins. This spurs you on to the next challenge, and by such little episodes of task and reward you eventually complete the game.
Or that’s the theory anyway. The reality for me is that it takes me so long to achieve any sort of victory at all that instead of feeling euphoric when I finally beat Zurg the Mighty I just feel a sense of relief and a slight easing of my tension headache. Sometimes I can’t even get past the part where you enter your name without consulting online cheat guides.
It’s my belief that I’m just not designed for computer games. If my efforts aren’t sabotaged by my poor hand/eye co-ordination or my slow reactions then it’s by my short attention span and inability to think tactically. Even the game controllers somehow seem not to fit my big meaty paws properly. The fact that my kids regularly smear the controllers with jam and other noxious substances probably doesn’t help either.
But the sad thing is that despite my ineptitude I really like computer games.
My generation was the first to have home computers as a fixture in our childhood homes. Before us kids had to be content playing pong and space invaders in dark and dingy arcades, no wonder Jeff and Greg turned out so weird. I’ve even heard tell of a time in the dim and distant past when children didn’t even have access to computer games at all. Freaky.
With the advent of the ZX Spectrum and the Commodore 64 in the mid eighties children could suddenly play games in the comfort of their own homes ( but admittedly only after a seven or eight hour wait for the buggers to load). And play them we did. Jet Set Willy, Horace Goes Skiing, Chuckie Egg; classics each and every one of them. Even back then I was crap, but that didn’t stop me talking enthusiastically about them in with the other snotty nosed kids in the playground.
Now, twenty odd years later, all us ZX Spectrum users are now in our thirties with jobs and kids and mortgages. But along with those responsibilities we also have Playstations, Xboxs and PCs. We may have swapped the playground for the pub, but we’re still talking about the latest Grand Theft Auto release or about playing with our Wii (*snigger*). In my group of friends at least, computer games have joined sport and children’s TV of the 80’s as a universal solvent – a neutral topic of conversation on which everyone is able to become involved.
I’m not saying that’s all we talk about, far from it. In fact, like most males, ninety nine percent of our conversational output is dedicated to taking the piss out of one another. But when the insults and humiliation reach a natural lull all it takes is someone to say “I’ve been thinking about getting a third generation console, but can’t decide between a Xbox or a PS3″ and things start to pick up again. It may sound geeky, but trust me, it certainly beats talking about the Huddersfield Chives chances of beating the West Yorkshire Mustard Tubes in the big game next Saturday.
So while I’m rubbish at them, computer games still hold a fascination for me. And every now and then I take the plunge and re-immerse myself. With our recent purchase of a Wii (*snigger*) I’ve been dipping my toes in the water again, and so far I’ve found the experience pleasurable. At the moment I’m making my way through Lego Indiana Jones and Metroid Prime 3. And while my progress is slow (Greg recently told me he had got Metroid for fathers day and he’s got further through it in one week than I have in the three months) I am at least enjoying myself.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have some aliens to kill.
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 12:50 am
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 1:40 am
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 am
Enjoy the slaughter.
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 6:17 am
XBox360,XBox, Playststion2, Playstation, 3x Nintendo DS’s (one of which is pink and is MINE) numerous bits of Nintendos (older versions)a broken PSP and a Wii(*snigger*)with a Wii Fit Board to boot!
Personally, I’m a Tetris/Pokemon/Day of the Tentacle kind of girl!
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 8:15 am
My son now has xBox360 which I barely go near as it’s humiliating being constantly thrashed by your own kids. I am harrassing them to ask their Dad for a Wii (snigger) for Christmas, just so that I can have a go!
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 9:02 am
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Jeff – I’m suprised you were as advanced as space invaders. I would have thought a cup and ball was more your era.
Nat – I shall. Those aliens are dead meat.
Ed – Seven eh? I think it won’t be much longer now.
Gail – Day of the Tentacle was a complete classic. I was crap at it though (no surprise there)
Penelope – That ZX Spectrum loading noise will hang in my consciousness forever. I’m still surprised no one has made a dance track out of it.
Arjan – Progress only releases endorphins if you are actually making any
Rol – I tend to get addicted for short intense bursts of time, them live in apathy for the rest.
SingleParentDad – Commodore 64 eh? I’m surprised you lower yourself to comment here.
Avitable – Me too. I think it’s to do with the familiarity with the subjec matter. I have seen the star wars trilogy about 10,000 times, whereas I’ve seen the Indiana Jones trilogy a mere 90,000
Xbox – You mean you are a fraud? I am deleting you from my blogroll forthwith.
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 8:33 pm
The day they write a programme to dam the beck so we can swim in it, or play 30 a side football on the cricket pitch until the man who lives over the road comes and chases us off his precious wicket, is the day I buy a Wii.
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
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on Jun 23rd, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Kevin – I’ve a long held theory that classic early home computers are going to be the collectables of the future. I’d have a serious go at digging it out of the loft if I were you.
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on Jun 24th, 2008 at 1:09 am
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on Jun 24th, 2008 at 7:12 am
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on Jun 24th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
You kill those aliens, man. They left some of those crop circles in my corn field last week. I’ve been out every night with my shot gun but I only shot two racoons and I think I saw the preachers wife messing around with boy that cleans up the pools, but I might be wrong. If you get a chance to talk to the aliens, tell them to stay away from my crop in the back field. Those are for medicinal purposes!
Bubba’s last blog post..I?m Getting Freakin Old!
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on Jun 24th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Kevin – Star wars figures too eh? what’s your mums address, I might have to burgle her.
Bubba – I think you’ll find that wasn’t the preachers wife, it was the preacher
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