I don’t often blog about my work, mainly because it would be inappropriate. For those that don’t know, I am a community psychiatric nurse working for a mental health crisis team. We have a number of different roles, but the easiest explanation is that if you turn up at casualty, your GP’s surgery, or the police station and you appear to be either suicidal or psychotic it’s my team that gets called to come and see you.
It’s an interesting job, but not as stressful or dangerous as you probably imagine it is.
As I say, I avoid the subject of my work here. In fact I’ve deleted the only two entries I’ve written about it from my archives, I just didn’t feel comfortable with them being there. However over the last six months something has been happening in our office that I just can’t keep quiet about any more.
I am being victimized.
There is a whiteboard in the office where we are supposed to write down where we are going and how long we will be whenever we go out. This is so that if we get brutally murdered our colleagues will know which lamp post to sellotape the bunch of flowers to. Of course most of of the time I am far too disorganized to actually update my section. In fact I’m pretty sure that according to the board I have been out on the same home visit since November 2007. Still, the theory is sound.
Over the past few months however various little notes have been appearing on the board next to my name. And far from being the respectful, reverential statements about how admired and valued I am that you would expect, these notes are quite frankly insulting in nature.
The current trend is for adverts cut out of magazines implying I am in some way incontinent. For example I took this one from beside my name just this very afternoon:
Waterproof Pull on Pants
Soft, quite vinyl for discreet wear
Stay comfortably dry with these waterproof pull-on pants. Made from soft vinyl they offer dependable whisper quiet protection from leakages.
There are also adverts for adult bibs and “sheath catheters”. This hardly shows the respect due to someone with a job title of “Specialist Nurse Practitioner” I’m sure you’ll agree.
What’s worse is that there are also pictures stuck up there of celebrities I am allegedly supposed to resemble:
The outrage!!
But I know who the culprit is. In fact he makes little attempt to hide his guilt for these nefarious deeds. It is this man, the dastardly Mr Ian Finchette:
Just look at him. He’s got criminal lowlife written all over his face. It’s the eyes I think, far too close together. And anyway, how come he has all these adverts to hand anyway? I suspect he has subscriptions to a number of “specialist magazines”. The dirty bugger.
Reading comments left by Holmes and JenK the other day about office pranks they have pulled I decided to get my own back. Their ideas of setting a printscreen of someone’s desktop as their desktop wallpaper or sticking paper over the optical sensor of their mouse were good, but a little too tame for my tastes. So I just settled on cutting the breakpipes on his car.
The old ones are always the best ones I’ve always found.
Just burn down his house.
Oh the good ol’ days…
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Guys n’ dolls n’ dollars
Or just find out what he’s allergic to, and then fill his favorite drink or meal with that ingredient. It’s simple and easy and everybody gets a good laugh out of it as he goes into anaphylactic shock.
Avitable’s last blog post..Lazy Sunday XLII
Have you considered letter bombs? They seems to be terribly de rigueur lately ;o)
Penelope’s last blog post..Parents, huh?!
Wait until they’re all in the office and then glance at the board and break down into uncontrollable sobs and confess that indeed, yes, you are incontinent and apologise to them all for trying to keep it a secret all this time.
If you can keep a straight face for the next seven days you’ll have them at your beck and call, especially if you requisition a comode and ask them all to look the other way while you take a dump.
Hours of endless fun.
They’ll hate you if you crack though, so it could be a lifelong pretend…
Gary’s last blog post..Goodbye, goodbye, we’re leaving you goodbye…
or get his e-mail address to all kinds of strange sites so he receives strange newsletters about all kinds of funky parafernalia.
Arjan’s last blog post..Juno OST
Xbox – That’s not a bad idea, he’s just had a new extension done too so it would be extra painful.
Avitable – I think the only thing he’s allergic to is good solid hard work.
Penelope – The problem with letter bombs is that he has to be able to read who they are addressed to.
Gary – a great plan, with absolutely no drawbacks apart from the fact I’d have to start taking a dump in the middle of my office.
Arjan – I’m sure he visits a lot of strange sites already. The dirty bugger.
Dan’s last blog post..I am considering consulting a lawyer
What a handsome devil ‘Mr Finchette’ is ;)
Bec’s last blog post..Reception
Heh. Glad we could help. That Mr. Finchette looks a little shifty….
JenK’s last blog post..Visions of my Past
Purchase the Annoy-a-tron. It’s a small device that you hide in his office and it emits an annoying beep at random intervals.
We did this to our boss and it drove him nuts for over five days. We randomly moved it about his office as well to try and throw him off the trail. He found it by a stroke of luck.
Dwayne’s last blog post..“verbosity - it’s common sense” but I beg to differ…
Dan, I’ve just read your twitter. You poor things, not again. I’m so sorry. I know that Evan is going to be just fine and that Amy will be feeling better very soon but that certainly doesn’t help. Our thoughts are with you all.
@ Dwayne: thát thing is just downright evil hahaha
Arjan’s last blog post..Korrewegbrug (Korreweg-bridge)
@Gary….thats hilarious. Thats how i would personal handle the situation. Make them feel embarrassed and guilty.
@Dan I wanted to share with you the new site over at http://www.justdaddys.net. Its a place where fathers new and old, veteran and novice can come and trade tips, tricks, or just shoot the breeze. We are a growing community right now and I would love to have someone with your knowledge and experience get involved in on the ground floor and be a resource and a community leader. Thank you for your time and I hope to see you over at the boards.
Thanks,
Jason
DaddyKV
While the Annoy-a-tron certainly is an appealing little gadget, have you considered a good, old fashioned, brutal beating in the parking lot at night? You could probably blame one of the patients and get away with it pretty easily.
Not that I’m promoting violence, of course. That would be wrong.
Rattling the Kettle’s last blog post..Gotcha
Bec - I had a feeling you were going to say something like that
JenK - He certainly does.
Dwayne - I’ve already got two Annoy-a-trons! I put them in our secretary’s office but infuriatingly she failed to be even slightly irritated by it.
Deb - Thanks, I appreciate it. Things appear to be settled down now, although I reserve judgement until we get through tonight.
Arjan - Evil times call for evil measures
Jason - I shall let you off the spam seeing as though you obviosuly read the spam and the comments.
Rattling the Kettle - I have my pool ball in a sock all ready and waiting.
Snort, you do not look like that vile John McArselick bloke. Shiver. He is a wart on the face of society.
The rest is funny though.
Sorry.
;)
Jo Beaufoix’s last blog post..Na na na I can?t hear you
I giggled all the way through this post. When I reached the end, I was proud to see that I was a part of its inspiration.
Holmes’s last blog post..Office Moshpit
Although this does not constitue legal advice (Of course, I just have to add the legal disclaimer), I’d take him outside and beat the “bejeesuz” out of him.
On second thought, that’s not a good idea. Perhaps a visit to upper management is in order with a request for a “cease and desist” order from the top.
It’s professional - and you get the chance to get even!