Here Avitable manages to dance precariously on the line between what I am and am not willing to publish on my blog. Which is exactly why I asked him to write a guest post. It’s good to test your boundaries now and again.
And anyway, dancing is what Avitables do best.
—————————————–
When Dan asked me to guest post, I agreed immediately without considering the consequences. What consequences, you might ask? Well, here he is, in a foreign country, with a mainly foreign audience, and I’m just some ignorant American who only speaks English. I don’t even speak his native language – how can I possibly create a post that will communicate any type of coherent message to his readers?
After some research, I found a translation dictionary that allowed me to quickly flip between my native language and his, and without this dictionary’s assistance, my post would have been incomprehensible to most of you.
So here goes:
I was bladdered and buggering this slapper in her ricker when she decided to drop a biggie all over my todger. “Cor Blimey! That’s beastly!” I shouted, brassed off. I took a butcher’s at my willy and goolies and was gobsmacked. Cheesed off, even. I’d really dropped a clanger here. This was supposed to be an easy peasy rogering and turned into a total cock up instead. Totally pear shaped.
I used my Alans and almonds to wipe off the hames and decided to go get even more rat arsed. Starkers, I started walking down the street when some wanker got me wound up by asking why I have a strop on. I said, “Sod off, prat!” and nutted him.
Four of his nancy boy chums joined him, so I legged it. This was not a time for a chin wag with stonking blokes who looked narked.
On my moby, I rang for a Bobby but apparently they couldn’t be arsed to help. This was when I really botched it. I jacked in mid-run and turned to face the pillocks. “Are you a bunch of muscle Marys who sit around doing each other’s Freds and playing with each other’s Marquis?”
Then those scunts gave me a seeing to until I was Brown Bread.
Let this be a lesson to you. Never shag a tart in the bum when she’s got the blaps or you’ll end up hovis.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 12:49 am
I’m sure his people did… and I’m sure they enjoyed it.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:03 am
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 2:30 am
A little more London than Yorkshire, but funny all the same…
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Oh shit that means I’m british
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Bloody brilliant understanding of the Mother tongue ;o)
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 10:12 am
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 10:44 am
All those years of watching shows on BBC America have paid off!
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 11:43 am
And a nun, perhaps?
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Maybe you should become an ambassador to England since you seem to know the language so well.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Jason, you win! The movie is “Debbie Does Dallas”.
Sam, I was trying to keep the cockney rhyming to a minimum, but sometimes I just had to.
Amanda, actually, to be honest, that’s the one thing that isn’t mentioned!
BPR, it’s about hockey and maple syrup. Eh.
Jay, they’ve got English to English, do they?
L, it’s too late. You’re one of them!
TSM, sex addiction? Tell me more.
Penelope, I tried my best.
Dee, I never would have done a guest post if he was French. Ew!
Martin, soon I’ll be a slaphead that resembles your whanger.
Turnbaby, well, they had to be good for something, right?
Britt, a hooker, no nun. Maybe if Dan allows me to, I’ll post a translation.
Sandi, it’s an important life lesson. Don’t shrug it off!
Lisa, don’t be scared – just watch out for someone who wants to shage you in the bum when you’ve got the blaps.
NYCWD, too bad Babelfish doesn’t do English to English. I had to use about four different websites.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Great post, and I think I understood at least 60%
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Robin, at least now you know it’s not just your ears.
Absurdist, you’ve got some.
Arjan, I’m all about increasing vocabulary and education.
Mr. Fabulous, so you saw the part about your mother in there?
Golfwidow, I knew you’d like it.
Grant, I don’t think Dan’s blog likes your Japanese name.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Ridiculous Brits…
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I thought you said “manly foreign audience” and almost clicked away because I don’t want to be caught surfing that at work.
Wait, that sounded wrong…
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I know what your little story was about, hoever I am unfamiliar with most of the jargon.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Em, here’s a hint: there’s poop involved.
Finn, it’s a real thick ear.
BE Earl, so all British people sound like a chimney sweep?
Whole Lot of Nothing, requesting what now?
Whall, you love manly foreign audiences.
Gwen, my posts always make more sense drunk.
Jeff, the more important question is, knowing me, do you want to know the translated version?
Trukindog, such a septic tank!
Amy, ya think?
Othurme, Disney will never be the same.
Linda, you can read between the lines, can you?
Tracy, chicken to the knife float!
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I understood about 90% of it….and I watch a LOT of BBC America and every Brisith Film Netflix can send me…..
But bloody effing hell….what a topic to talk about!! You made this Sailor’s wife blush!
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
But it REALLY wasn’t… fair play to ye.
This guest post Tuesday thing is pretty good.
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on Apr 8th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Xbox, thanks!
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 12:13 am
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 12:15 am
wow, you went all out, avitable! i’m impressed. shit, dan. you’ve never received 47 comments from just one post, have you? (heh, heh)
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 1:20 am
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 2:42 am
That’s “Brittanica” for “you’re a dork.”
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 2:51 am
Mrs. RW, did you blush?
Bec, well, I can’t understand your fucking food, if that helps.
CMG, cor!
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Hello, pip pip!
Poppy, you’re not British at all!
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on Apr 9th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
This was a good attempt, how about trying it in Geordie?
Why-aye and haway the lads – g’an doon the toon and all that.
Is your internet back up then? Back over to your blog – think I need to add you to my faves.
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on Apr 10th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
52 comments?
I didn’t even read the post, I just saw 52 comments and had to make it 53.
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on Apr 10th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
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on Apr 11th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Rol, ah, but you should read it. Then you’d know that it’s totally worth it!
Karl, before they kicked you out permanently?
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