Here Avitable manages to dance precariously on the line between what I am and am not willing to publish on my blog. Which is exactly why I asked him to write a guest post. It’s good to test your boundaries now and again.
And anyway, dancing is what Avitables do best.
—————————————–
When Dan asked me to guest post, I agreed immediately without considering the consequences. What consequences, you might ask? Well, here he is, in a foreign country, with a mainly foreign audience, and I’m just some ignorant American who only speaks English. I don’t even speak his native language - how can I possibly create a post that will communicate any type of coherent message to his readers?
After some research, I found a translation dictionary that allowed me to quickly flip between my native language and his, and without this dictionary’s assistance, my post would have been incomprehensible to most of you.
So here goes:
I was bladdered and buggering this slapper in her ricker when she decided to drop a biggie all over my todger. “Cor Blimey! That’s beastly!” I shouted, brassed off. I took a butcher’s at my willy and goolies and was gobsmacked. Cheesed off, even. I’d really dropped a clanger here. This was supposed to be an easy peasy rogering and turned into a total cock up instead. Totally pear shaped.
I used my Alans and almonds to wipe off the hames and decided to go get even more rat arsed. Starkers, I started walking down the street when some wanker got me wound up by asking why I have a strop on. I said, “Sod off, prat!” and nutted him.
Four of his nancy boy chums joined him, so I legged it. This was not a time for a chin wag with stonking blokes who looked narked.
On my moby, I rang for a Bobby but apparently they couldn’t be arsed to help. This was when I really botched it. I jacked in mid-run and turned to face the pillocks. “Are you a bunch of muscle Marys who sit around doing each other’s Freds and playing with each other’s Marquis?”
Then those scunts gave me a seeing to until I was Brown Bread.
Let this be a lesson to you. Never shag a tart in the bum when she’s got the blaps or you’ll end up hovis.
wow. you did such a great job of posting in Dan’s native tongue that I didn’t understand a word of it.
I’m sure his people did… and I’m sure they enjoyed it.
CamiKaos’s last blog post..the feminist mystique
Is this “It’s All Greek To Me” Sunday? Oh wait, wrong day :)
jason’s last blog post..Neighbors
Sounds a little like Lock Stock. I was with you apart from ‘hovis’ and ‘Alans and almonds’
A little more London than Yorkshire, but funny all the same…
Sam’s last blog post..Perama Island
I’m not sure what you said here… I assume it was about masturbation?
Amanda’s last blog post..I’m Gonna Make A Mistake
Huh? Wha? can I have a Canadian translation sent over?
I’m going to copy and paste this into Freetranslation.com and find out what you said here.
Jay’s last blog post..Tuesday is Now Tinkday!
Should I be scared that I understood every word ;o
Oh shit that means I’m british
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I credit my Scottish heritage with my vague understanding of what this post means. That, or my sex addiction.
I’m pissing meself larfin’ here!
Bloody brilliant understanding of the Mother tongue ;o)
Penelope’s last blog post..Counting down.
I didn’t realise Dan was French!
I don’t adam & eve it, a ceptic tank that speaks cockney. That’s an old picture Avi, your barnet fair is so thick in it. As we know from recent pictures you have wavy hair…..it’s waving goodbye to your loaf of bread, my son.
martin’s last blog post..What a carve up…..
LOLOL
All those years of watching shows on BBC America have paid off!
turnbaby’s last blog post..I’m With The Band
Is there a hooker in this story?
And a nun, perhaps?
Miss Britt’s last blog post..Bittersweet
Yeah. umm. Ok. I believe ya. :)
I’m scared and I want my mummy.
Lisa’s last blog post..Tired
You used Babblefish didn’t you?
Maybe you should become an ambassador to England since you seem to know the language so well.
NYCWD’s last blog post..School Is In
Cami, it was a dreadful tale, so you’re probably better off.
Jason, you win! The movie is “Debbie Does Dallas”.
Sam, I was trying to keep the cockney rhyming to a minimum, but sometimes I just had to.
Amanda, actually, to be honest, that’s the one thing that isn’t mentioned!
BPR, it’s about hockey and maple syrup. Eh.
Jay, they’ve got English to English, do they?
L, it’s too late. You’re one of them!
TSM, sex addiction? Tell me more.
Penelope, I tried my best.
Dee, I never would have done a guest post if he was French. Ew!
Martin, soon I’ll be a slaphead that resembles your whanger.
Turnbaby, well, they had to be good for something, right?
Britt, a hooker, no nun. Maybe if Dan allows me to, I’ll post a translation.
Sandi, it’s an important life lesson. Don’t shrug it off!
Lisa, don’t be scared - just watch out for someone who wants to shage you in the bum when you’ve got the blaps.
NYCWD, too bad Babelfish doesn’t do English to English. I had to use about four different websites.
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
I credit all my British xbox buddies for helping me understand most of this. I guess I’ve got some more learning to do before I move over there!
Lady Jaye’s last blog post..10 (12) Things About Me
I thought I just couldn’t understand the accent, apparently I can’t read it either. Buggers.
Robin’s last blog post..Mr. and Mrs. Proper
Can I get some fags, please?
Absurdist’s last blog post..No Post Today; Stay tuned tomorrow for 20Q Wednesday!
I think my English vocabulary just trippled haha
Great post, and I think I understood at least 60%
Arjan’s last blog post..Yahtzee gaming reviewer
I understood it completely. But then, I am a citizen of the world.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..And because I like to beat things into the ground?
Smashing.
golfwidow’s last blog post..six, count ‘em
Well, obviously.
????’s last blog post..Important Holiday Notice
Lady Jaye, there are many important lessons before going across the pond.
Robin, at least now you know it’s not just your ears.
Absurdist, you’ve got some.
Arjan, I’m all about increasing vocabulary and education.
Mr. Fabulous, so you saw the part about your mother in there?
Golfwidow, I knew you’d like it.
Grant, I don’t think Dan’s blog likes your Japanese name.
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
Blimey, that’s good crack.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Aweso
HAHA! Well done. I’m with the rest of the ignorant Americans though when I say: Wha?
Em’s last blog post..Conversations at the Bus Stop
I hate it when a bum shag goes wonky.
Finn’s last blog post..Moving Violation
Sounds like Bert from “Mary Poppins” was feeling a bit randy.
B.E. Earl’s last blog post..I smell like what???
I’m requesting an English brogue to proper American speak.
Ridiculous Brits…
Oh.
I thought you said “manly foreign audience” and almost clicked away because I don’t want to be caught surfing that at work.
Wait, that sounded wrong…
whall’s last blog post..Stuff you don?t want to MISC, #41
I think this might’ve made more sense if I’d been pissed when reading it. Nice job, Adam!
Gwen’s last blog post..These Are A Few of My Favorite Things: The Pool
So when can we see the translated version so WE can read it? Perhaps Dan can write the follow up post.
Jolly Good what!
Trukindog’s last blog post..Ooo Eee Ooo Aw aw Bing Bang Walla Walla Bing Bang
I am just so lost. But I have a feeling this was very naughty!
Amy’s last blog post..Not That I Condone This!
Disney just called. They would like you to create a mechanical puppet version of this story for the England display in the revamped It’s A Small World ride.
othurme’s last blog post..Things That Are Always Good To Mention
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?
I know what your little story was about, hoever I am unfamiliar with most of the jargon.
TOAST!BAND AID! CIRCUMFERENCE! Oh, I thought we were stringing random words together.
Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Post 686: Seething Hatred With A Side Of I Will Cut A Bitch
Jennifer, cor!
Em, here’s a hint: there’s poop involved.
Finn, it’s a real thick ear.
BE Earl, so all British people sound like a chimney sweep?
Whole Lot of Nothing, requesting what now?
Whall, you love manly foreign audiences.
Gwen, my posts always make more sense drunk.
Jeff, the more important question is, knowing me, do you want to know the translated version?
Trukindog, such a septic tank!
Amy, ya think?
Othurme, Disney will never be the same.
Linda, you can read between the lines, can you?
Tracy, chicken to the knife float!
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
I am so impressed with your British!
I understood about 90% of it….and I watch a LOT of BBC America and every Brisith Film Netflix can send me…..
But bloody effing hell….what a topic to talk about!! You made this Sailor’s wife blush!
Cissa Fireheart’s last blog post..Man! I feel like a woman…
I kind of expected this to be crap.
But it REALLY wasn’t… fair play to ye.
This guest post Tuesday thing is pretty good.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Should I be worried…
Cissa, making people blush is one of my favorite hobbies.
Xbox, thanks!
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
That was bloody brilliant! I just used my imagination to figure out what the hell was going on, and it amused me thoroughly!! Oh! And my friends’ husband jokes about “rogering”, and we all laughed about it cause we couldn’t figure out what the eff he got it from - now I know!!! Haha
Sybil Law’s last blog post..Sybilist
I agree with turnbaby: PBS prepared me just for this moment. I understood every word. That, and having a son-in-law from Glasgow…
Mrs RW’s last blog post..A 30-year journey
Shakespeare is turning in his grave. He’s turning thinking Dammit, one of those bloody Yanks can speak our language. now we will have to confuse them in other ways.
Bec’s last blog post..Stop Feeling
Bloody hell. I’m gob-smacked.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Manic Monday
I think I remember reading this in school, right around the time we were reading “Great Expectations” and “A Tale of Two Cities”… NOT
wow, you went all out, avitable! i’m impressed. shit, dan. you’ve never received 47 comments from just one post, have you? (heh, heh)
well done ole chap!
hello haha narf’s last blog post..Advice, Please
You’re a dork.
That’s “Brittanica” for “you’re a dork.”
Sybil, so your husband is into rogering, eh?
Mrs. RW, did you blush?
Bec, well, I can’t understand your fucking food, if that helps.
CMG, cor!
Cat, eh, who gives a dickens.
Bon bon, I’m a comment magnet.
Hello, pip pip!
Poppy, you’re not British at all!
Avitable’s last blog post..English MacGuffin
I’m still coming to terms with Bum-Bag/Fanny Pack,
This was a good attempt, how about trying it in Geordie?
Why-aye and haway the lads - g’an doon the toon and all that.
Is your internet back up then? Back over to your blog - think I need to add you to my faves.
Gail’s last blog post..Itchy Feet
52 comments?
52 comments?
I didn’t even read the post, I just saw 52 comments and had to make it 53.
Rol’s last blog post..Six word meme-oir
Brilliant. It’s like I’m living in England all over again.
Karl’s last blog post..Where Karl Reveals One of His Larger Secrets
Gail, I concur. I should be one of your faves.
Rol, ah, but you should read it. Then you’d know that it’s totally worth it!
Karl, before they kicked you out permanently?
Avitable’s last blog post..The high of chewing