We didn’t have satellite TV in our house until I was about fourteen. Up until that point my parents had avoided poring their pennies into Murdock’s coffers, but the lure of tennis on the sports channels became too much for my mother and she relented.
I quickly became addicted to a whole new vista of TV programing. Mainly on the Nickelodeon channel. The Adventures of Pete and Pete was a particular favorite. I never tire of telling Kerry that one of the characters in What About Brian is in actual fact Pete and Pete’s mortal enemy Endless Mike. Damnit that show was good! Even the theme tune was fantastic.
Sky TV wasn’t all quirky comedies about two identically named brothers though. What fate gives us with one hand it often takes away with the other (just ask gibbon featured millionaire Andrew Loyd-Webber). Just as it brought joy, our satellite also brought sorrow. There descended a blight upon our lives that scars my soul to this day. A television program so dire that my fingers tremble as I type its name: Clarissa Explains It All.
There are many acts in our childhood for which I curse my sisters name: for somehow tricking me into choosing the smaller bedroom, for deliberately and spitefully breaking her arm when I pushed her over, and for hiding her secret diary too well. But I think the one thing for which I will hold a grudge until my dying day is the introduction of Clarissa Explains It bloody All.
Oh sure, I could have not stayed in the room while it was on. I could have gone out and done something else instead. Read a book, play some sports, do my homework. I could have done any of those things. But, you know, it was the telly. You’ve got to watch the telly haven’t you.
So I gritted my teeth and endured the incredibly irritating Clarissa and her even more irritating ginger brother Fergusone (who was just a cut price Alex Keaton from Family Ties rip off). I suffered through each and every episode, probably at least three times. And I would like to say that I’m a better person for it, but sadly I don’t think I am.
I once saw an episode of Cribs where Milissa Joan Hart showed the camera’s round her home. I had not previously thought it was possible for my desire to give her a good hard punch on the nose to be any stronger. But when she started bringing out her extensive Shirley Temple memorabilia collection my vision went white with a unrestrained fury. I think that we can safely say that I do not have any latent super powers, because if I did they would have surely manifested themselves at that point such was sheer amount of hate fueled adrenalin pumping round my body.
No, I didn’t like Clarissa Explains it All much.
Yet strangely enough my sister’s other favorite, Saved By The Bell left me emotionless. All the ingredients were there for me to get up a healthy dose of hate: crap child acting, lazy unimaginative writing, and just a general feeling of smugness; but yet nothing. I remain as indifferent towards Saved by the Bell as I do towards rice cakes. It’s just too bland to loath. Even the revelation that the actor who played Screech went on to make a porn movie leaves me cold.
Adventures of Pete and Pete Theme [2:09m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (296) Clarissa Explains It All Theme [0:48m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (229) Saved By The Bell Theme [1:05m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (167)
I clicked the audio for Clarissa Explains to try and push me into remembering it and now I do. Oh God. The horror! Saved By the Bell was a 22 minute drool fest when I was a very YOUNG teen. Mark Paul Gos… Gos… Gos… (Hang on… going for a Google) Goselaar was a… sigh…. dreamboat… I look back now and really can’t see what I sawin him then!
What about the time you conned me into swapping my VHS Recorder for your Betamax one hmmm?
I can’t believe you never found the diary.
I always liked Pete and Pete too.
Sam’s last blog post..A New Kind of Love
…..it’s just too bland to loath…..
I love that line. I feel must now incorporate it into my daily vernacular. Thanks, Dan.
Ed (zoesdad)’s last blog post..Remembering Joseph…..
I like Clarissa - you leave her alone.
Don’t know Pete & Pete…but the tune rocks.
Don’t know Clarissa either..but the nananananananana makes my ears bleed.
Saved by the Bell I do know…I feel like Bec feels but then towards the women. Back then that was one of the reasons to watch. And the tune is just nostalgic.
For the rest it was indeed very crappy.
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I always loved Melissa Joan Hart.
Avitable’s last blog post..Avikipedia
I immediately remembered Clarissa but knew I was confused when you mentioned Ferguson, who I thought was a talking cat. Nope. That’s Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Another show that makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Dan, you must be mistaken… Clarissa won an Emmy for “Outstanding Children’s Program.” The awards don’t lie.
Jeff’s last blog post..It really is the best of both worlds
OH God why? WHY did I click on the theme song player for that awful show!
“Na na na na nana”
I’m going to be beating my brains with that one all damn day.
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I’ve got a strange predilection for American sitcoms of the80’s and 90’s. Come to think of it I like British sitcoms too - if it had Linda Belligham, Geoffrey Palmer or Gareth Hunt acting in it, I probably watched it. Oh, the shame.
Blossom used to be Poor Student Friday Teatime - fish and chips twice (not both for me) and a 2 litre bottle of Safeway’s ‘Strong Dry Cider’. I feel that in the context of this discussion it is important to mention the importance of Family Ties, Alf, Bigfoot and the Hendersons, and My Two Dads, the latter being worthy of particular note. I was just at the right age at the time (a student) to appreciate the value of television as a medium for the development of creative sloth.
Anyway, hi - I haven’t commented before, but was encouraged out of my lurking by the high-brow nature of this particular item.
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Bec - Mark Paul Goselaar leaves me cold for some reason.
Sam - I read the diary, it just to me a unreasonable amount of time to find it. And you got a good deal with that betamax! They are the superior format you know. I have an HD DVD player I’m willing to swop for a blueray if you’re interested.
Ed - You are welcome. The world would be a better place if everyone just emulated me more often.
Craig - She was born the same year we were you knw, so she’s probably a bit old for you.
Arjan - The women in Saved By the Bell were a bit too bland for my taste.
Avitable - Sadly that does not surprise me.
JenK - Sabrina the Teenage Witch starred the same girl, but was equally pants.
Jeff - How could i have got things so wrong?
Miss Britt - Can you ever forgive me?
Rich C - After seeing Blossom was being shown on British TV Bill Hicks apparently asked “Why are you importing our horseshit?”
I have a great fondness for Blossom myself. As you say, Friday evening, channel 4, 6pm - 6:30pm. As soon as the end credits began to roll I used to peg it down into the village to catch the bus to town and the awaiting pubs. Marvelous stuff.
And I really fancied Six. As you say, oh the shame.
I guess I better never bring out my extensive Shirley Temple collection in front of you, huh?
Going off to see if I can find when Cribs is on!