Heroes

There comes a time in every father’s life when he has to decide what type of superhero he wants his children to become. Some people would have you believe that you should simply let kids develop thier superpowers organically; that it is not the place of a parent to mold and shape their offspring. They claim you should just nurture them with unconditional love and support and allow them to bloom on their own terms. Be warned, this kind of wooly headed hippy thinking is damn right dangerous. Batman’s parents took that approach and look what happened to them. Sure, their son became Gotham’s Dark Knight; but a fat lot of good that did for them lying in a pool of their own blood at the bottom of Crime Alley.

To be fair the Waynes didn’t get it all wrong. They showed remarkable foresight in their real estate choices. Wayne Manor boasts extensive underground caverns – ideal for conversion into a den, rumpus room, or batcave. The property also provided ample parking for batmobiles, batcopters, and batboats; a real rarity in today’s urban market. And because of all the caves and abandoned mineshafts under the house they were able to broker a really good deal due to the potential risk of subsidence.

As for Superman’s parents, their treatment of him borders on child abuse. Not only was he cruelly abandoned as a baby, but the only provision Jor-El and Lara made for their son was a Fortress of Solitude in the middle of Antarctica. Super-speed or not, that’s still a hell of a commute. They only put it there in order to avoid the lengthy bureaucratic building regulation process. Selfishness, pure selfishness.

No, I take my responsibilities as a father seriously and so shall be taking an firm hand in Amy and Evan’s metahuman training. However I’m not a complete monster, I do realize that nature as well as nurture has a part to play. Therefore I’ve been doing a little research into what sort of superhero would suit their personalities.

Amy / Black Canary

Now let me say right from the start that I’m not entirely happy with the costume for this one. The black top and jacket I don’t have too much of a problem with, but the fishnet stockings are a definite no-no. Perhaps a nice pair of loose fitting trousers. Or even better, a burqa.

Costume issues aside there are many reasons to chose Black Canary as a template for my daughter. As well as being a formidable martial artist, she has a highly effective superpower: the Canary Cry is a finely directed sonic scream with the ability to shatter objects and incapacitate villains. Anyone who has heard Amy sing “Twinkle twinkle little star” at the top of her voice knows she holds this potential in droves. She is able to put peoples teeth on edge from a range of over 300 meters, and given the proper training and encouragement she will no doubt be able to focus and control her abilities to the bane of evil doers everywhere.

In addition Black Canary also appears to be the current chairman of the Justice League of America, a job with an attractive salary and an excellent pension scheme. This is probably for the best as it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to provide either of my children with a millionaire playboy/girl secret identity any time soon.

Evan / Matter-Eating Lad

A bit of an obscure one I admit. Matter-Eating Lad is a member of the Legion of Superheros and has the ability to, well, eat matter. He comes from the planet Bismol where microbes have made all the food inedible, thus forcing populace to evolve the ability to eat all matter as a survival mechanism. Makes perfect sense to me.

Before you start to pore ridicule on the poor man I would just like to remind you that not only is Matter-Eating Lad a well respected senator on his home planet, but he has also saved the universe by eating the previously thought indestructible miracle machine. How many of you can say that eh? Only one or two I warrant.

Again, it’s painfully obvious why Evan would be well suited to this role. His enthusiasm for putting things in his mouth is surpassed only by his tenacity in preventing you taking them out again. In the last week alone he has ingested a 54p in loose change, an entire bar of soap, and our christmas tree. We have to wear hazmat suits when we change his nappy (its called a nappy, not a diaper damnit).

But in reality I know that Evan isn’t really destined to become Matter-eating Lad, no matter how badly I desire it. No, it’s pretty plain to see that Evan’s superhero destiny is already mapped out for him:

_{This post may or may not have something to do with the fact Kerry and I will be watching the last two episodes of the first season of Heros tonight.}

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