This was the first blog entry I ever wrote. It was posted on livejournal on April the 1st 2005. Despite the date this was the most serious and painful thing I have ever written. You can see the original here.
My friend’s son died today. I don’t know the full details, but it seems like they went to get him up this morning and found him dead.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this. To try and initiate some sort of cathartic release I guess. I feel very helpless; I hardly knew him and I have a deep well of sadness inside me so god only knows what Neil and Rachael are feeling. I keep thinking of them in such unbearable emotional pain that all I want to do is help - but know there is nothing I can do. I’m going to wait until I contact them until next week, then send a card or something - letting them know I’m there if they want me to be.
The first thing I wanted to do when I heard was go and pick up Amy from nursery and give her a hug. Kerry says she felt the same. It wasn’t even a “thank god it didn’t happen to us” thing, just a primeval urge.
He was only three for gods sake. All those hopes and expectations gone. I keep imagining them coming back from the hospital to the house with all his toys just as he left them. How the hell do you cope with something like that? I wish I could do something.
I went out tonight with Craig and Dave for Karl’s leaving do. I was hoping we could find a corner and sit and just reflect but we ended up going to a bunch of shitty towny pubs. We had a toast - to Joseph, Neil and Rachel, may they all find peace. I wanted to share the experience with people that had known Neil as long as me, and we did to some extent. I guess though that it was easier for me to put myself in their shoes because of Amy. I never really understand how deeply I could feel until I had Amy.
Shit.
Your title “a prelude to an announcement” has me worried. Hope everyone is alright in the all that comes with it family. View all comments by Kristina
Sorry if I caused any concern. The announcement is positive in nature. I’m still working on the actual post itself so you’ll have to wait until tomorrow. View all comments by Dan
Oh jeez, I’m glad the announcement is positive. I was worried too. View all comments by Holmes
How awful. Did they ever discover the cause? View all comments by Whit
Hi, this is Joseph’s mummy here. First Dan, I’d like to say a big thank you for what you’re planning on doing. When Neil sent me the link yesterday I was in tears. The bit about coming home to Joseph’s toys as we left them…well, I can’t describe the pain. And it’s still with us. We miss Joseph every day. He was our first child, he was a little smasher, and he turned Neil and I into - hopefully - better people because of who he was. We will always be proud to be his parents.
In answer to your question Whit, Joseph died from streptococcal pneumonia. It’s very rare and it took him, although suddenly, very peacefully. When I went in to him in the morning it was obvious from his posture that he’d just gone into a deeper and deeper sleep and never knew anything about it. This too is what all the medical personnel associated with him told us. There are not many (if any) consolations when you lose a child, but at least he didn’t suffer. And as a parent, it’s one of the things you want most for your child isn’t it?
So Dan, and everyone who’s going to join you - good luck and thank you. View all comments by Rachael
A parents worst nightmare, bar none.
And I’ve never thought of it before but the post above this one puts it into stark practical context - how do you deal with the purely practical thing of paying for a decent funeral for your children - I’m sitting here now thinking of this and I’m not sure that any of my insurances cover things like that, its just too awful to consider.
So my best wishes go with you and your work and I hope today is filled with happy memories and not too much pain. View all comments by Gary
Thank you Rachael for sharing that.
I just sat here and broke down crying. Still am really. View all comments by Whit