How to get bitten at zoos: a cut out and keep guide

I’ve mentioned in passing that one of my aims while on holiday is to be bitten by as many exotic animals as possible. Through the years I’ve managed to be savaged by a surprising number of birds, fish, reptiles and mammals; usually in zoos. I must add that these aren’t unprovoked attacks. I actively seek the confrontations, doing my damnedest to coax, coerce, and cajole all creatures great and small to sink their sharp pointy teeth into my flesh.

I don’t really know why I do it. I think it must have something to do with gaining a direct connection with the animal which can’t be gained merely through staring at it through the cage bars. It’s all about the interaction you see.

So I got to thinking, maybe I’m not the only person to have this particular quirk. Maybe there are thousands like me out there, thinking they are the only ones. I want to reach out to these people, to tell them they are not alone. We will come together and provide a unified voice, we will stand up to those who would poor scorn on our hobby and ensure that it has a great and glorious future. Hell, if sliding down mountains with bits of wood strapped to your feet is classed as extreme sport then why can’t being bitten by a marmoset?

Of course getting started in any new pastime can be a little intimidating. There’s all the equipment, the specialist terminology, the various governing bodies. That’s why I am publishing this, the the first in a series of a cut out and keep guides. I hope you will find it of use.

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Goats

Ease of access: Green
Willingness to bite: Yellow
Potential damage: Yellow

The goat is not a particularly aggressive animal but can be lured into participation with the promise of food. Key to the goat’s value to the hobbyist is its presence in establishments which positively encourage animal / visitor interaction, such as community farms and petting zoos. If only the closed minded zoo community would yield to public pressure and keep the more exotic animals such as crocodiles and lions in such environments then the world would be a better place.

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Emus

Ease of access: Yellow
Willingness to bite: Green
Potential damage: Green

An ideal combination of fearlessness and belligerence the emu, along with its cousin the ostrich is an enthusiast’s dream. Whilst its bite is sometimes startling in its jerky rapidity, it seldom causes any significant pain. Often found in the “boring antelopes, deer, and gnu” section of zoos, the emu enclosure is classically CHDFed ( chest hight double fenced) which may cause access problems to those with stumpy arms.

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Parrots

Ease of access: Green
Willingness to bite: Green
Potential damage: Red

On the face of it an ideal animal for the aficionado, and indeed a popular choice for beginners as being bitten takes little skill other than the ability to poke a finger through the bars. However a cautionary note must be struck. A parrot bite can hurt, particularly those of the larger members of the genus such as macaws and cockatoos. Their beaks are evolved to crack hard shelled nuts and rip off tree bark, and a determined biter would think of nothing of puncturing a fingernail. Many a veteran of the sport can boast at least one scar from these pitiless psittacines.

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Elephants

Ease of access: Red
Willingness to bite: Yellow
Potential damage: Red

One of the holy grails of the hobby. I myself can boast only of a near miss. An unusually liberal housing policy at Bristol Zoo allowed myself and a particularly gregarious elephant reach out to each other over the dividing ditch. We had brief contact; my hand and its trunk bridging the gap between the species for one precious moment. It was exhilarating, poignant, and also very snotty.

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