An open letter to Coca-Cola
on Jul 07 in General by DanDear Ms Cola
Do you mind if I call you Coca? Such an unusual first name. Are you any relation to Coca Chanel?
You don’t know me, but you might have met my sister. She once went on a tour of your factory in Atlanta so you could have bumped into her. She is tall and goofy looking with quite bad breath. Ring any bells?
Firstly let me just say I am a big fan of your work. The whole Coke Zero thing is just inspired. Now drinking calorie free coke can be socially acceptable for a man as well as a woman! In one simple move you have ingeniously stemmed the alarming raise in obesity rates in young males, saving countless lives. Well done!
Is it true that there is actually estrogen added to Diet Coke?
Anyway, no doubt you have noticed that there has been a sales spike centered around Huddersfield recently. This is as a direct result of your recent iTunes promotion. Since I first became aware of it two weeks ago I have spent roughly twenty five pounds on your products in an attempt to win an special edition 80gb iPod. So far I have been unsuccessful.
I have however won a total of 63 free songs on iTunes. While I have a wide taste in music (liking everything from Paul Simon through to Art Garfunkel) I have struggled to find 63 songs to actually download. I have even gone so low as ask a bunch of freaks I met on the internet for some suggestions, but still have a number of free tracks left.
What really rubs salt in the wounds is that despite having all these songs I have nothing but my laptop to play them on. This is fine for when I am at home, but if I want to listen to my Sounds of Silence album in my car I am only able to drive round my house in very tight circles, as the wireless connection for my internet does not extend very far. This has made getting to work very problematic.
Unfortunately despite my overwhelming desire to win an iPod I am going to have to decrease my levels of Coke consumption under medical advice. Due to the amount of caffeine I have been drinking I have not slept for 82 hours. In addition my nostril hair is falling out and I become dizzy every time I use the toilet. As a result it has been recommended that I do not have any of your products for at least three weeks. I am a little worried that I will be missing out on my recommended daily amount of Potassium benzoate and “natural flavourings”; but my doctor assures me that this will not be a problem.
So I will no longer be able to enter your contest and this saddens me greatly. I have one more promotional code left, and would therefore very much appreciate it if you could see your way to ensuring that it is a winner. I will be entering it onto your website at 9:30 tomorrow morning. I look forward to the receipt of my iPod.
Yours sincerely
Dan
aged 31½
.
Related posts:
- Another chance to see… Day Five
- An open letter to the USA
- An open letter to Oxford University Press.
- Perhaps I have a little too much time on my hands
- The Winner!!… well, sort of
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I think they owe it to you.
PLEASE tell me that you actually sent this. LOL!
Hi Dan: VERY FUNNY!
I think you should get one of those PayPal help-me-I-need-money buttons and see how much you can raise for your cause. With friends like your blog-o-sphere, who needs Coke (except for your recommended daily allowance of high fructose corn syrup)?!
Let us know if you win.
The other Dan
You talk to freaks on the internet?
This is really very funny. But I’m most impressed with your wide range of musical taste – most people don’t recognize Garfunkel as an integral part of the team. You know, the same way Hall would be nothing without Oates.
I love that – and I also want to know that you sent it!
I doubt they will recognise me from that description – it is so far from the truth. Maybe if you said your more
intelligentunintelligent,better-lookinghidious, moretalentedsyphilis ridden sister (than you) they may have remebered me and given you your free i-pod. But as it stands, youdontdeserve one ;)Megan (aka superior sister) – If you want to write rubbish like that you better get your own blog. Because I can edit the comments on mine.
Have you seen the recent TV commercials. The Corn Refiners Association decided to ’show’ high-fructose corn syrup was as safe as sugar.
They’re pretty crazy and I don’t think its safe advertising.
HFCS TV Commercials