Dancing in the dark
on Jun 16 in General by DanToday I have worked for twenty of the last twenty four hours; nine hours in my regular job and eleven hours of a night shift as a as favor to a ward I used to work on. It’s been about a year since I last worked a night shift, and I certainly won’t be sorry if it’s another year until I do another one.
I’m not good at nights. My concentration wavers, my eyes start to swim, and I have to consume twice my body-weight in caffeinated drinks in order to prevent me lapsing into a coma.
I’ve even been known to hallucinate on my drive home in the morning. I once thought I saw a giant rubber duck on the back of a lorry that was overtaking me. And I’ve even had delusions that I am a half competent driver, which quite frankly is ridiculous.
Fortunately as the ward is a rehabilitation rather than acute mental health unit there is rarely that much work to actually do on nights. This evening I’ve handed out a few tablets, drunk a few cups of tea, and watched a few late night re-runs of old Star Trek episodes. And of course I’m writing this entry in work’s time. Occasionally I’ve had to chase the odd patient back to bed with a sharp pointy stick, but other than that its been pretty easy going.
Sitting here in the staff room looking at the same old notices on the same old notice-boards that were there when i left two years ago it’s hard not to reflect on the journey I’ve made since emerging bright faced and enthusiastic from the doors of nurse training. I’ve gone from being a anxious and self-doubting junior nurse to being a anxious and self-doubting specialist nurse practitioner. I’ve moved from a backwater ward to the front line of mental health services. I’ve managed to attain a 1:1 honors degree while still working full time and dealing with being a first time father. And on the way I’ve hopefully helped some of the people I’ve come in contact with change their life for the better.
But there have been downsides too. I’ve become more cynical and more hardened to the sheer amount of unpleasantness in the world. I’ve lost some of my naivety and trusting nature. I’ve lost sleep worrying about some of the decisions I’ve made, and I’ve discovered that there are some situations which I’m just not emotionally strong enough to cope with.
And if I’m honest with myself I’m still not sure that nursing is really what I want to do when I grow up. But you do get to inject people in their bottom so it can’t be all bad.
Related posts:
- Out on the front line of psychiatric services
- You need to be a special person
- I need to win the lottery
- Unsettled nights
- A small slice of what’s being done to the NHS
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Especially if they have a cute bottom. :)
BTw, there is no way I have the energy to do “a double” like that.
You forgot to add top blog writer in your list of accomplishments too.
I hope the work doesn’t get to you in a really damaging way though as that is horrid.
I no longer have active contact with the mental health service or users of it but whenever I think of it I’m reminded of the Callahan cartoon where the psychiatrist has a couch with a switch that when pulled catapults the couch occupier into the basement through a hole in the floor – with the caption ‘you’re too f cked, next patient please’. A friend of mine who is a psychotherapist wishes she had one for those who seem unable to change self destructive patterns of behaviour.
I instinctively knew I should keep far away from the medical professions, even though some people seemed to think it would be a good fit for me. I’d just be telling patients with poor outlooks “you’re fucked, I’m so sorry”. There’s no way I have the fortitude.
But you get paid, don’t you ? Nursing is not exactly an easy job especially dealing with public relations.
I’m facing a bit of that myself. I work in high tech, but am pursuing a degree in counseling. Already, I’m recognizing the hard fact that not everyone who may come to you for help can really be helped much. Not an easy pill to swallow.
Careful tailgating those oversize rubber duckies.