All that comes with it

This time three weeks from now Kerry and I will be making last minute preparations for our holiday in Chicago. We are going to spend four days in the Windy City, then head on up to Wisconsin to stay with Greg and Deb for the weekend.

We are leaving Amy and Evan with Kerry’s parents and the dog with my Dad, and are currently taking bets as to which of our parents will regret their generosity first. My money is on my Dad - there is nothing in this world quite as unpleasant as coming barefooted down the stairs in the morning and feeling the freshly squeezed dog crap squidge between your toes. Not that Holly does that very often I must add, only when her usual routine is disturbed - like when her owners go on holiday for example.

Still, Kerry’s parents will have their own particular brand of pooey adventures with Evan and his Incredibly Smelly Nappies_(TM). None of this will bother Kerry or I however, we’ll be too busy running around the streets of Chicago pretending to be the Blues Brothers (I bagsy Elwood). We don’t really have much of an itinerary when we get there. We want to ride the L, check out the Art Institute, and perhaps have a nosey round Lincon zoo, but that’s about as far as we’ve got. We intend just to hang about, drink in the city, and enjoy each other’s company.

We’re pretty excited about the Wisconsin leg of the trip too, not only do we get to meet Greg, Deb, and hopefully Bon Bon; but Greg has also promised us an interpretive dance to welcome us into his home, I’ve heard his unitard is something to behold. Up until now the only face to face contact we’ve had with the Lee family has been via our webcams. When we meet in real life we may have to implement some sort of prosthetic time delay and periodically tap imaginary microphones saying “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? What about now?” in order for the conversation to flow naturally. Plus I won’t be able to be naked from the waist down anymore, which will be a real shame.

Whenever you visit strange cultures in third world countries it is traditional to bring beads and baubles in order to appease the natives. We’re bringing some Last of the summer wine tat for Dwayne and some English condiments for Greg. have you any requests Deb and Bon Bon?

Before we come though we’d like you to sort a few things out. I’ve already mentioned the national scandal of your so-called badgers, but there is something else that has been bothering me for some time: Dennis the Menace. I accept that both the British version and the American were created completely independently of each other. I will also admit that the US version appeared two whole days before the UK one (12th March, 1951 as opposed to 15th March, 1951). But really, your Dennis is hardly a Menace. An irritant granted, I will even accept a pest; but menace - I’m afraid not. Where is his peashooter? His Abyssinian wire-haired tripehound? His gang of ruffians? I’m afraid your miserable excuse for a menace just does not cut the mustard. Even his arch nemesis Mr Wilson is no match for our mighty Walter the Softy.

Once you resolve this issue and renounce your Dennis as the impostor that he is we will be willing to visit your country with no compunctions.