I had a webchat with Greg the other day. In between Greg doing duck impressions and entertaining me by playing an out of tune ukulele we had a conversation about badgers. Apparently they are the regional dish of Wisconsin or something. Whatever their significance they are very prevalent in the state - with everything from the local sports teams to health care systems named after them. Kerry and I are due to go and visit Greg and Deb this March, and he assured me that when we left we would leave laden down with a wide assortment of badger related merchandise.
I expressed surprise that badgers were even to be found in America, the Atlantic Ocean being a little wide for them to swim with their stumpy little legs. Greg assured me that they were native to the US and we left it at that; moving on to more important subjects - such as Greg’s theory that the older he gets the more often he sits on his testicles.
Something about the whole badger thing niggled me, and so the day after I did a little investigating. what I discovered shocked me to my very core. People of America, your government has been lying to you. The animals you have been informed are badgers are no such thing, they are forgeries. Here is the proof:
I’m not sure what the creature on the right actually is, I suspect it’s some kind of dyed wombat. The sinister agency behind the conspiracy are no doubt the same ones who have convinced you that aluminium is spelt aluminum or that Are you being served and The Benny Hill show are funny. I’ve seen X-Files, I know what goes on.
Write to your congressman, your senator, even the President himself. Demand that these cheap knock off badgers be replaced with the genuine articles. And while you are at it, you might as well demand that baseball be renamed rounders, basketball renamed netball, and if you do insist on calling that game football then the players should be made to stop picking up the damn ball.
on Feb 8th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Your badger is funny looking. As someone who was born and raised in Wisconsin, I prefer ours. Since we’re bigger than you and we certainly have more badgers in the U.S. than England, I propose that you drown all of yours and replace them with ours.
As soon as we can catch enough of the nasty buggers, you can expect an express shipment.
on Feb 8th, 2007 at 7:55 pm
I don’t think they are real badgers either (it looks like a squashed thing with alopeicia) but they look like they would be fabulous inspiration for very tacky fridge magnets indeed, if you could find one very cheap, very leightweight and bring it back for me - you would make an old goth very happy…..and its so much easier and cleaner than reanimating the dead ;-)
on Feb 8th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
but Deb, you fail to realise that our badger is actually called the Eurasian badger and ranges throughout both Europe and Asia. Therefore through sheer numbers alone our badgers could quite easily beat your badgers in a fight, even if you somehow managed to ally yourself with the Philippines and got the Palawan stink badgers on your side.
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 12:36 am
What? Are You Being Served? isn’t funny? BLASPHEMER!!!
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 2:56 am
I knew those were fightin’ words as soon as I read them, Dwayne. He’ll be here in March if you want to drive up and kick his ass.
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I’ll be there with my box set of Are You Being Served?!! Don’t worry Dan, there will be no ass-kicking, just brain-washing. Be prepared to have your brain washed!
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
There is only so much of Mrs Slocombe’s Pussy that one man can stand. I’ll take the ass-kicking please.
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
How long did it take you to find that picture of a geriatric american badger? I invite you all to head over to wikipedia and see a reasonably aged american badger.
I had hoped that as I aged I would stop sitting on my testicles. What a disappointment. I have a friend who is a workers compensation agent at a major automaker. She once paid a comp claim on a guy who say on his at work…hmm.
on Feb 9th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
I have it on good authority that that particular American badger recently won the National Showbadger Award 2006. It is the finest example of badgerdom that the USA has to offer.
on Feb 10th, 2007 at 12:51 am
Yeah, the older I get the more it happens to me, too. Glad to know I’m not alone.
“Write to your congressman, your senator, even the President himself.”
Oh, and we can’t write to our president. He admits he doesn’t read.
on Feb 10th, 2007 at 9:17 am
Speaking of testicles, it’s always bugged me that the Disney edition of the wonderful Japanese film “Pom Poko” renamed the tanuka “racoons” and excised all mention of their testicles (gigantic, inflatable and turnable into everything from balloons to carpets) and replaced it with “racoon pouches”. As in “Yes, you are standing on my racoon pouch!” as opposed to “Yes, you are standing on my testicles!” which makes so much more sense.
Well, maybe you have to watch the movie.
Anyway. Colonials! Bowdlerizers!
On the other hand, at least they’ve taken the Beckhams off our hands.
on Feb 11th, 2007 at 2:05 am
does the british badger drink tea, wear a monocle, and have a polite demeanor? because frankly, american (real) badgers are known for their tenacity, and something being both british and tenacious is simply fictitious.
but i do agree, those shows aren’t funny.
on Feb 12th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
We need more research. Are these animals the same species? The same genus? Whatever the case I’m sure that the American can take the British badger. Can you catch one to bring over in March and let us know? You should be able to get by customs while they’re harrassing some dad coming from Disney World about princess sunglasses or something.
on Feb 12th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
You are kidding. last time I came to America they made me take my shoes off before they would let me in. I must have the air of a drug dealing terrorist. The last thing I want to do is get Warning! This man is a badger smuggler stamped on my passport.
on Feb 13th, 2007 at 2:57 am
Customs stops are arbitrary from what I’ve seen. I was stopped and patted down flying out of Orlando last month.
But I agree…I wouldn’t want badger smuggler on my passport either.
on Feb 26th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
[...] we come though we’d like you to sort a few things out. I’ve already mentioned the national scandal of your so-called badgers, but there is something else that has been bothering [...]
on Apr 9th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Regional dish of wisconsin! Yikes, don’t tell folks that on the east coast. it’ll make them believe the non sense of mid-westerns being uncivilized!