I say, I say, I say
on Jan 17 in Uncategorized by Dan
One of Amy’s many presents this Christmas was a selection of books by my favorite children’s illustrator, Quentin Blake. These have proven to be a great success, particularly one called Fantastic Daisy Artichoke. At one point in the book Daisy Artichoke tells a joke:
“Why do cows have bells?”
“Because their horns don’t work”
Amy is fascinated by this. She clearly understands that there is something particularly significant about these sentences, but her language and cognitive skills are not yet developed enough to decipher what exactly this is. She came quite close this evening, asking me if Daisy Artichoke was talking about a horn on the cow’s bike.
My current favorite joke is rather culturally specific, but I think the international contingent here will get the general idea:
“My dog has no chin”
“What does he look like?”
“A bit like Gail from Coronation Street”
It’s been quite a while since I had a contest, and this seems like the ideal opportunity – so it’s competition time again here at All that comes with it.
What is your current favorite joke? Is it the one about the three monks who walked into a strip club, or perhaps it involves a monkey, a banana and George Bush tying his shoelaces. Whatever it is, I want to hear it. Just about anything goes, I’m no prude. Stay away from the racism and homophobia though, I don’t have much patience for that kind of crap.
As usual there is a prize, and it’s probably the best one yet. Michael Rosen’s Sad Book is the most moving book I’ve ever read. It is the expression of children’s poet Michael Rosen’s grief over the death of his 18 year old son. The text is powerful enough on it’s own, but add in Quentin Blake’s wonderfully expressive illustrations and you have nothing less than a masterpiece. You have to enter this competition because frankly you just have to have this book. If you don’t win it then you’re just going to have to go out and buy it; children’s books just don’t get any better than this.
Ok, so it’s a bit of a paradox: a book about sadness as a prize for a joke competition. But there can be no yang without yin, no crunchy peanut butter without smooth. So go on, give it your best shot.
Related posts:
- But could J. M. Barrie make concrete that sets?
- If you’re American outside of the bathroom, what are you once you’re inside?
- A little bit of nagging
- I remember Luton as I’m swallowing my crout’n
- Meme: A unit of cultural information which propagates from one mind to another
« « A reading lesson| Celebrity Big Brother » »
Here’s my effort…
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff!
What’s purple and fluffy?
Wait for it…
Pink fluff holding its breath!
(Well it makes me giggle every time!)
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, ‘Gimme a beer. And a mop.’
if you’re american outside of the bathroom, what are you once you’re inside?
european!
It’s the only joke I can currently remember, so here goes:
- It’s raining cats and dogs outside
- How do you know?
- I just stepped in a poodle.
So, here is my address for the last contest, finally. I understand if you have abaondoned me and done something else with the prize.
Oberdorfstrasse 20
Bammental 69245
Germany
Jokes…so many in total, so few that I want to cop to on the internet in writing…hmmm.
Question: What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?
Answer: Sparky
I like this one because if you take a moment to actually picture the scenario in the question part of the joke it is pretty damn funny on its own. You might also wonder who thought this up.
My mother in law loves puns, so this one is for her:
The Lone Ranger found himself captured by Indians and tied to a tree, Tonto nowhere nearby. The Indians didn’t know that Silver, his horse, was no ordinary horse and failed to tie him up. While the Indians tried to decide what to do with the masked man they were distracted and the Lone Ranger called Silver over and whispered instructions into his ear. Silver departed for town and came back in an hour with a beautiful young woman in the saddle. The Lone Ranger looked at the situation and said,”You stupid, stupid horse. I said ‘posse’.”
The best dirty joke is the one that requires the hearer to make that off color little leap all on their own.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just given up drinking.”
Your not too late at all Henry – I’ll dig it out for you and post it off.
Thanks for all the jokes. Keep them coming. I’ll set a closing date of Friday 26th, midnight. Although I imagine it will have dried up well before then.
Lets just keep our fingers crossed that Paul doesn’t turn up with his bloody “orange for a head” joke.
I have an orange joke!
Orange is walking down the street with Lemon.
Orange: What’s your address?
Lemon: I’m not telling you – you’ll come round and steal my washing.
This made me laugh when I was told it about 20 years ago by a cub scout – but nobody else seems to find it funny! Perhaps I could just borrow the book before you post it to the winner.
My fvourite joke is…..
It was Autumn, the last 2 little oak leaves are clinging onto the branch, the wind is howling, the branches are swaying….. the first little leaf starts to giggle…….. the second little leaf says…….. why ya giggling, Im trying to hang on for dear life here…… the first little leaf says ‘I think Im going to blow off’……
LMFAO hahahahahahahaha ok sorry but that so makes me laff….
I love those double meaning endings :)
What do you have when you’ve got a large green ball in your left hand and a large green ball in your right hand?…
The undervided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.
A termite walks into a pub and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
You bloody well asked for it…
A man was walking along the road and he bumped into a man with an orange for a head.
“Wow. How did you get that orange as a head?” he asked.
“Well, it’s a long story…you still wanna hear it?” replied the man.
“Sure.”
“OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across this lamp. Naturally I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes.”
“Wow! What did you wish for?”
“Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need…”
“Did you get it?”
“Of course. My second wish was to have all the women I could ever need to fulfil all my fantasies…”
“Wow! Amazing! What was your third wish then?”
“To have an orange for a head…”
That’s it! I’m deleting this blog. I have a moral obligation not to be party to spreading that horrendous “orange for a head” joke over the web.
I have to say, I am really enjoying this contest. It is far more reliably funny than any “Joke of the Day” email I have ever signed up for.
Well since things have dropped off, I will throw in one more.
Stumpy and Martha, an old married farm couple, are at what might be their last country fair. There is a pilot with an old open seat biplane offering rides for $10 and Stumpy has his heart set on going. The pilot of the plane overhears Martha hollering at poor Stumpy, “Now Stumpy, I know yer old and ya never been on a plane ride and might not live long enough for another chance, but money is tight this year and we just can’t afford it. Ten dollars is ten dollars Stumpy, that is just all there is to it.”
The pilot decides he can probably scam them and offers to take them up for free, provided they don’t say a word while they are up there. Of course, he plans to cut the engine, turn upside down and fly through one of the barns to scar the bejesus out of the old couple and collect his ten bucks when they scream. But, after his most death defying stunts he hasn’t heard a sound and lands the plane.
He helps Stumpy down and says, “Boy, I have never had that scam fail. Someone always says something when I turn upside down with the engine off.”
Stumpy looks at him real serious and says, “Well, I thought ’bout sayin’ sumpin’ when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Just remembered one from my childhood:
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the paracetamol
The town we live in is full of Norwegian-Americans, but Greg and I aren’t of that nationality, so . . .
The Norwegians and the Swedes were having a terrible fight from opposite sides of the street, throwing rocks back and forth at each other. The Swedes decided to up the ante and they got out a box of dynamite to toss.
The Norwegians won the battle though–they picked up the dynamite, lit it, and threw it back.