Je ne comprends pas
on Jun 07 in General by DanLast week the Hughes family set sail to france courtesy of Keycamp, a company specialising in European self catering mobile home holidays. We had a good time. In fact we had a very good time. We’re even planning on booking again to go next year (yes, with our own money and everything, surely a first in the blogging world!)
We didn’t have internet access while we were there, but I did take my laptop with me and bashed out a few posts while I was out there. And so here’s one of them:
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In my everyday life I’m pretty reliant on Kerry. I’m not saying I act like a big child, foisting all responsibility for anything that requires organisation or any form of social interaction onto her shoulders. It’s not like I’m incapable of functioning as an adult without her guidance or anything
Oh hang on… No, wait. Sorry, that’s exactly how it is. I do rely on her for virtually every aspect of my daily life. I’m like some sort of helpless hideously mutated four year old who has unfortunately learnt how to use the phone and keeps ringing up asking where his fisher-price car keys are.
And that’s how it is in England. You should see what it’s like in France.
The problem is communication you see. At the best of times I tend to hide behind Kerry if there is any talking to grown ups to be done. But in France I couldn’t do it even if I want to.
I wasn’t very good at French in school. And not only was I not very good at it, I didn’t see the point of it either. As far as I could (and to be honest, can still) make out, the only purpose of teaching it is to make people’s lives easier if they ever go to France on their holidays. Oh sure, they kept on spewing lines about how it may be of use in business or diplomatic relations; but they only stuff they actually teach you is how to ask directions to the beach and tell people how many sugars you take (urm, nerf sucre sil vous plate).
You see the problem with the French is that they insist on having a different word for everything. Pure stubbornness, that’s what I call it. Oh, sure, there’s a few things that they can’t be arsed coming up with new words for – Baguette and Cul-de-Sac for example. But on the whole it’s like they are speaking another language or something. They’ve even taught their kids to do it! Amazing!
Unlike me, Kerry was good at French at school. In fact the only problem she seems to be having with the language is that she keeps slipping in words from all the other ones she knows:
“Oh” she says, turning to me after I’ve just watched her yabber away incomprehensibly to a shopkeeper. “I think I just used the Spanish word for ‘cumquat’ along with the German past participle verb ending for the present tense! What must they think of me!”
“O eh la plage” I reply “Nerf sucre sil vous plate”.
Bah.
Now just in case I haven’t sounded enough like a xenophobic Neanderthal already, I’d just like to point out that one of the things I really like about this Keycamp holiday is that the on-site rep for the company is English. I know, I know. I’m ashamed to have even typed it – but it’s true. I like the fact that in an emergency I have someone to go to without stumbling though a phrase book.
I mean I’m still going to leave it to Kerry to interact with them of course, the world hasn’t gone completely mad. But at least I can listen in and make sure she’s not telling them what a pathetic arse her husband is, and that’s something that gives me a great deal of piece of mind.
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And remember if you fancy going on a Keycamp holiday they have very kindly donated a European break to be raffled off in aid of The Joseph Salmon Trust. Buy your raffle tickets here: http://www.justgiving.com/hadriansraffle
Related posts:
- Beaches, goats, and pools
- In which I’m uncharacteristically sociable
- Globe trotting, an addendum
- An open letter to Oxford University Press.
- “…and between you and me our school dinners taste like sewerage”
« « Father’s Day Gifts from a bunch of good eggs| Beaches, goats, and pools » »
To the annoyance of the teenagers we decree ‘French hour’ when we all have to speak in french and only french. We’re all rubbish…my vocab isn’t what it was….and often resort to “Vous avez la tete de pomme de terre’….
.-= Nota Bene´s last blog ..The stress test =-.
@Nota Bene, I think “French hour” would be my “mute hour”
It is slightly worrying when you other half starts babbling away in a language you barely comprehend isn’t it? Even more so when all participants pause, glance at you and then start laughing and jabbering away again.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Things I’d forgotten about England. =-.
@Heather, it certainly is. And I imagine in your case it happens a hell of a lot. You know, with you looking the way you do.
@Dan, tis true, tis true *shakes head sadly*.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Things I’d forgotten about England. =-.
Don’t believe the line about French being useful in business. I shall cast aside modesty and tell you that despite being a right swot at school when it came to French, it was a waste of my time, as I now work for a French company and they all speak such good English that me speaking French is pretty pointless…. apart from being able to understand their “private” conversations when they revert to French between themselves.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Buffs – For your kids too! =-.
@Steve, thank you for that. It has been filed away to use in my next “discussion” with kerry on the merits of learning french.
I was amused by this post as it’s exactly the same with Louise and I.
Of course, if I had my way, I’d fix it so I couldn’t understand all the English people we met and then she’d have to talk to them too.
.-= Rol´s last blog ..Our Tragic Universe =-.
@Rol, I tend to get Kerry to do 90% of my interactions for me in English too. The sooner the world is completely automated the better.
You know, I actually like and respect the French for making us converse in their mother tongue. And I am all ‘un billet pour le train siv oo play’ and ‘Je jeuai le football’ and stuff. They then take pity and allow conversion in my mother tongue, which is of course is my own particular version of English.
.-= Socrates´s last blog ..Hadrian’s Walk =-.
@Socrates, it’s just stubbornness. Why they go to all that effort to learn a different language is beyond me. why not just stick to English like natural people do?
I had years if French and German at school. Fat lot of good it’s doing me in Arizona. Wish we’d learned Spanish instead ;-)
.-= Kevin Spencer´s last blog ..Pill Poppin’ Prostitute =-.
@Kevin Spencer, Again, I’m filing that away for use in my and Kerry’s “discussions” on the topic.
I always hide behinf MadDad, I had double french last lesson Friday and never ever went. I was looking at my school reports the other night (my mum gave me them) and they are terrible. I would be really disapointed if the boys came home with them!
.-= TheMadHouse´s last blog ..Why you should vote for me =-.
@TheMadHouse, i never went so far as skipping lessons. I just didn’t listen.
dan
great that you had a fun time…………you have a look of richard dreyfuss in Jaws….humm or was it POSEIDON?
GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK
@john gray, Richard Dreyfus in Jaws is one of my all time favorite Movie characters.
in fact: http://allthatcomeswithit.com/archives/1539
Yet another blogger on a Keycamp/Eurocamp freebie! Just back from ours too, if you want to compare notes. My first day is up on the blog and thankfully things improved!
My favourite French phrase was part of Eddie Izzard’s act years ago – when he said “Le singe est dans l’arbre” (the monkey is in the tree). I must see if it’s on Youtube as it captures the daftness of rehearsed French perfectly.
.-= Trish@ Mum’s Gone to´s last blog ..Mum’s Gone to Eurocamp =-.
@Trish@ Mum’s Gone to, I must admit I fast forward the French bits of Izzard.
Keycamp was really nice, and we didn’t have any problems at all really other one of the camps we stayed in banning swimming shorts and only allowing speedos. Needless to say that I refused to go near the pool.
If it helps you feel less helpless, my husband is exactly the same. My French is bad but he still expects me to explain that despite them having double booked the family room, could we at least have a cushion for the child to sleep on and all I can think of is “je suis un rock star, je avez un grand…. come and restee la with me in France” and surprisingly Madame Dupont (they were are called that in my French lessons!) appeared with an Ikea futon. I was declared a communication hero! I suspect all the French speak damn good English and just play with us like a cat with a wee mousey before going in for the kill!
@kelloggsville, If you give me your number we’ll use you as our translator next time. you obviously have the knack.
5 years of highschool French and I still find it hard to have a decent conversation.
My German is way better..and still when I had a German friend over last weekend we spoke English. It’s just easier.
.-= Arjan´s last blog ..Youtube saturday: The new pornographers – Your hands (together) =-.
@Arjan, Hang on, you speak dutch, english, french and German?
I’m surprised your brain has any room left in it for anything else!
@Dan, it doesn’t, but I trick people into thinking there is still space while I stare blankly at them (feigning interest of course).
.-= Arjan´s last blog ..Youtube saturday: The new pornographers – Your hands (together) =-.
I’m equally bad at French, and most languages, but usually find that a pleasant attitude and a handful of phrases gets you through most situations in all countries. The phrases are “yes”, “no”, “thank you” and “two beers please”.
The funniest translation problem I ever saw was my dad trying to explain to a French farmer that a cow had escaped from a field without knowing the words for “cow”, “field” or “escape”.
.-= Simon´s last blog ..One =-.
I was once offered a French speaking job. I couldn’t string a sentence together now.
When I try Irish it comes out Dutch.
Dutch ends up mostly English.
My English is overwhelmingly nonsense.
.-= Martin´s last blog ..No kissing on the lips =-.
I also have same sort of experience, when I visited France. I faced much problems for simple things. When I tried to speak french, people could not understand me. However I enjoyed a lot there.