Who’s idea was it to have chickens again?

Nov 10th, 2009

by Dan.

I am man who likes to live life on the edge. I pick up and eat food I’ve dropped on the floor, I walk around with my shoelaces undone, and I even agree to go on hiking holidays with random weirdos I’ve met on the internet. If my middle name weren’t George, then you can bet your bottom dollar it’d be Danger. No wonder I’m idolized by millions.

However my life of excitement and peril is sometimes my undoing.

When tending to the chickens in the morning it’s become my habit to slip the eggs I collect into my pockets. This leaves my hands free to lock up the coop and perform any other random jobs that need doing. It has occasionally crossed my mind that this is a practice that may backfire on me at some point in the future, but like I say – I like to live life on the edge.

You can see where this is going can’t you.

Yesterday was a day like any other. I collected the eggs as normal and then pottered around doing my usual jobs. However whilst washing the dishes that afternoon I noticed that I had a large damp patch on my trousers. Assuming that I’d just splashed myself during a bit of overly exuberant scrubbing I just left it, figuring I’d just let it air dry (see, I told you I was a maverick). After fifteen minutes I started to idly wonder why the water didn’t appear to be drying. Half an hour went by and my suspicions were aroused enough for me to stick an exploratory hand in my pocket.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t pleasant.

So off came the trousers, into the washing machine went the wallet, and under the tap went my car keys and a rather eggy £5 note. And in the meantime the chickens (no doubt psychically picking up on my distress) made a dash for freedom, flapping over the garden fence in order to get closer to the house to crow about their victory. Two of them even got onto the roof of my car, an act of disrespect and defiance which is almost Hitchcockian in it’s audacity.

They even crapped up there too, the swine.

So it seems my fine feathered fiends have won this battle, but the war is far from over. Let’s just hope they don’t find an anarchic and irreverent evil genius to lead them or they may one day take over the entire world.

Oh bugger, we’re screwed.

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Posted in: Chickens.
Tagged: Chicken · Eggs · Evan

32 Comments on “Who’s idea was it to have chickens again?”

#1 Rosie Scribble
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Shockingly disrespectful. Do they not know who is boss?
Rosie Scribble´s last blog ..Not a lot happening here, honestly

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@Rosie Scribble, they do know who’s boss, but unfortunately it’s not me.

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#2 JJ Daddy-O
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 3:15 pm

I, for one, welcome my new Chicken Overlords and their Evil Genius Leader.
All Hail, Lord of the Chickens!
JJ Daddy-O´s last blog ..The Internet Is….

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@JJ Daddy-O, i have been informed that you have been made the new Grand Vizier

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#3 Mark
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

When they take over will all chickens be equal, but some more equal than others? Those who can drive a car will clearly be superior chickens.
Mark´s last blog ..Collections 9 – Raku

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
@Mark, I’ve been wondering why Evan has started referring to me as bourgeoisie scum

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#4 Daddy Scratches
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 4:25 pm

You wanna scare ‘em straight? Borrow a chicken from another, um, chicken-having-person for, like, a day. Have the borrowed chicken hang out with your own chickens. At the slightest wrong move it makes, scold it harshly (in front of the other chickens, of course), then scoop it up and whisk it away (back to its rightful owner … but your chickens don’t know that, now, do they?). Stop by the market on your way home and get yourself an uncooked whole chicken, which you will then take home to your own chickens, holding it up as you tell them, “See this? This is what happens when you don’t do as I say.”

Just a thought. (Yes, I need help.)
Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..OK, so I guess I won’t write about meeting the doubleyoo i gee gee ell e esses after all

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@Daddy Scratches, It’s certainly a plan.

But what if the new chicken joins forces with the other chickens and, now their ranks are swollen, they decide to bring the coupe (coop?) forward?

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#5 Rol
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Yeah, yeah, the old “that weird stain on my trousers is from the eggs in my pocket” excuse… nobody believes you.
Rol´s last blog ..Harker

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@Rol, you saw through me.

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#6 SingleParentDad
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Yeah, and you keep suggesting I get them too, is this part of the plan.
SingleParentDad´s last blog ..Why am I the default bin?

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
@SingleParentDad, It is one subsection of the plan. My strategy to bring about your eventual downfall is multi-faceted

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#7 Clair
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 6:00 pm

“They even crapped up there too, the swine.”

The swine? If you’ve convinced them that they’re pigs, that could be where some of your problems are coming from.
Clair´s last blog ..Fancy a bit of a boogie?

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@Clair, good point. Perhaps that Paul McKenna “I can make you a pig” audio hypnosis tape was a bad idea after all.

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#8 MrsW
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I’m impressed you got them to stand on top of the car long enough for a photo – Blue Tac?
MrsW´s last blog ..Seriously, can we put the tree up yet?

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
@MrsW, more like the roof was so slippy that they were highly reluctant to move at all.

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#9 Holmes
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Being the overlord of your realm that you are, I would advise you to let them have the occasional victory, just so they can maintain some false feeling of independence. It’ll make them easier to control in the long run. They’ll play right into your hands.
Holmes´s last blog ..I’m Sorry Mr. Jackson, I’ll Never Know If You Were For Real

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
@Holmes, I think that’s the same strategy that Kerry is currently using on me.

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#10 Martin
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 8:08 pm

Curious, would they be ok if you plucked them as punishment? to teach them a lesson?

Just a patch or two?
Martin´s last blog ..King & Queen of the dump

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
@Martin, It’s a good plan. I think I’ll start with their heads first. Then if the RSPCA come round I can always claim they are turkeys.

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#11 Kevin Spencer
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 9:29 pm

I dread to think how much food I’ve dropped on the floor, picked it up, and then eaten with wild abandon. I don’t even care how long it’s been on the floor to be honest. Reeet hygienic me.
Kevin Spencer´s last blog ..One Word Movie Review: A Christmas Carol

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@Kevin Spencer, like me, you’re a rebel.

It was for people like us that Pepsi MAX was created.

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#12 Steve
on Nov 10th, 2009 at 11:01 pm

He’s not leading them. He’s mocking them. “Call yourself evolved? You don’t even have teeth. Look at these incisors…!”
Steve´s last blog ..BBC NEWS | UK | Claims of sex abuse by women grow

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@Steve, wait, chicken don’t have teeth? Then what the hell have I got then!!??

I knew I shouldn’t have trusted that gypsy chicken salesman

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#13 Seattledad
on Nov 11th, 2009 at 7:11 am

You need yourself a chopping block and a big pot.
Seattledad´s last blog ..The Hardy Boys

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@Seattledad, the alarming thing is that the chickens bought those just last week. they keep eying my neck. I’m worried.

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#14 Jeff
on Nov 11th, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Brilliant post. Nice work!
Jeff´s last blog ..10 Questions with Rob (Diesel) Kroese

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Dan Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
@Jeff, Get off my blog you pervert.

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Jeff Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
@Dan, Just because I’m infatuated with chickens doesn’t mean I have a problem.
Jeff´s last blog ..10 Questions with Rob (Diesel) Kroese

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#15 Carla
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 7:15 am

You could always wear an apron, which could signify two things… A garment with pockets to hold eggs. OR A garment to wear whilst preparing a chicken dinner. They might then behave, once the chickee’s see you wearing it.
Carla´s last blog ..Who cut the cheese?

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#16 Dad Who Writes
on Nov 13th, 2009 at 2:59 pm

OK, I laughed out loud when I saw the last picture! I could have told you keeping chickens would lead to damnation. They just aren’t natural birds. In fact, they’re deeply unnatural in so many ways.
Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Childminder Maternity Leave Disruption Blues

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#17 DadStuff
on Nov 14th, 2009 at 4:29 am

Crafty, intricate and elegant caper. Your chickens might end up in a James Bond movie.
DadStuff´s last blog ..Alms For The Poor

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Who’s idea was it to have chickens again?

32 Comments on “Who’s idea was it to have chickens again?”

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